Tag Archives: relationships

Perplexed

My narc-spotting glasses are obviously dirty, I can’t figure out the deal with this guy and that worries me! Am I losing my touch? Help me out.

His self description isn’t too bad: “Tell you about me …hmmmm This part of the site sucks but here is something small to start you off lol. I work in the music industry and i love my job. Music is the biggest part of my life with my career and my personal life. I like to learning new things about people. I have a very open mind with many things in life and i try to never stress over the little things. I own my own house and very ambitious and looking for my partner to have goals and not afraid to take chances to achieve them :)”

Aside from the fact that he’s in the music industry which has a terrible reputation for infidelity, I don’t get any big red flags there. But then he sends two messages and signs with a different name each time:

sidevans

What’s that all about?? That just seems careless and stupid to me. I guess maybe Sid is his profile name and Gregg is his real name..? Any thoughts out there, my experienced friends? I haven’t seen this tactic before.

Certified Narc-Spotter

Even though I’m done with online dating, there is one small online dating site from which I haven’t bothered deleting my profile. Every once in a while I go back on to read messages that have been sent to me in order to practise my narc-spotting skills. After all, we know online dating sites are their favourite feeding ground so where better to hone our skills?

Today I went on after a long time and read the following message:

“So, how do I get you to say hi? Humor? Wit? Romance? gimme a hint, and I’ll do the rest”

Sure, DurhamChad. I’d be more than happy to train you upfront on how to best lovebomb me and pretend to be the man of my dreams.

But hey, maybe I’m being too hard on the guy. Let’s take a look at his profile to see if maybe he does a little better there:

“Never really know what to say here … Im a single dad with 3 amazing kids, I have joint custody 50/50.
Ask me whatever you wish I’m an open book… I’ll fill out more if I think of something funny n witty to throw in here :)”

Mr. Single Never Married has 3 amazing kids. Um, ok.

But isn’t it great that he’s an open book? It’s just too bad there are no words in his book because apparently in his quest for his future partner he can’t think of anything to say (conveniently leaving all his options open to move in whatever direction his unsuspecting prey should choose).

That’s a pretty familiar profile, wouldn’t you say? I remember my narc writing something similar in his last profile – not knowing what to say, wanting to say something funny, and coming back later to write more. Yeah right.

In the past, I gave guys the benefit of the doubt and a chance to explain their way out of little red flags that caught my eye. Not anymore.

To me, this dude is a perfect example of a narc fishing online. Buddy, you’re busted!

certified narc spotter

That’s Not Giddiness, It’s Fear

This morning I woke up to a message from narc’s female friend, who I haven’t been in contact with since February, asking if I’d like to get together for dinner or drinks.

When I saw her name pop up, my heart started racing, my body starting shaking, and I felt dizzy and panicked. It’s the same feeling I used to have every time I heard from narc after a period of separation.

At the time, I had thought that what I was feeling was excitement. I thought I was giddy and nervous to hear from him because I was so in love with him. And even though I had been in love before and knew what that head over heels, butterflies in the stomach feeling feels like, I convinced myself this was a different more passionate love and that was why I was shaking so hard that it was a struggle to even type a reply.

Now that I’m on the other side of things where I have a much clearer perspective, it’s obvious to me that this whole-body hyperarousal is and was my fight or flight response.  Every subconscious part of me was screaming out that I was in danger, and my body was activating every part of itself trying to pull me away to safety.

This reaction literally only ever happens in situations related to him, and now here it is again when I hear from his friend.

Our bodies are quite amazing, complex systems designed to survive. If we can learn to trust our guts then I believe our intuition can do an impressively reliable job of steering us clear of danger.

So, if you are still involved with your narc and you get this same physical response, or if you’re dating and your body is responding with shakes and anxiety instead of butterflies and heart expansion, please recognize that this is a sign to you that you are not safe. Heed the warning! Fight the urge to romanticize it or rationalize it, and walk away.

After all, your gut has only one agenda and that is to protect you. It has no ulterior motives, ever, and it deserves your trust more than any other human being ever will.

it's not love if you're afraid

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Read more about trauma and the fight or flight response:

The Little Things

Looking back, it’s the little things narc did that still amaze me, the subtle ways he undermined me, destabilized me and tried to make me look crazy or controlling to others. At the time, I could feel in my gut that it was unacceptable and un-partnerlike behaviour, but it wasn’t until this healing and recovery period that I finally came to understand just how calculated and purposeful his behaviour was.

One night that keeps coming to mind was in the last month we were together. We had started talking about a trip to France for his friend’s wedding. Because the wedding was going to be not too far from the France-Spain border, he suggested we go to Spain first. I was ecstatic. Spain is on my bucket list, as is the La Tomatina festival which we would have been right on schedule for. While I had been hesitating to go on this trip with him, Spain sold me on the idea and I started to let myself become excited.

That week, on a Friday night as we were driving to a karaoke bar to meet up with a group of his friends, he suddenly started a fight saying that I was taking over the trip, and that I should be excited about his friend’s wedding instead of being excited about Spain. I was confused and defended myself that Spain was his idea, and I don’t even know this friend of his so how could I possibly be excited about her wedding, but of course he just became more insistent and angry. I told him it was like somebody offering someone a box of chocolates, and then getting mad at them for taking the chocolate. It made no sense.

By the time we arrived at the bar (a 15 minute drive), we were barely speaking. This set the stage for an evening of escalating little things to put me back in my place.

In his first attempt, he tried to make me look like I thought I was better than his friends. One of his friends had been telling the group about a weird phenomenon that had happened here in the cold winter. I had heard of it too, and nodded along. He looked at me and asked ‘Is she right?’ and asked me to explain it the way I understood it. So I said yes she was right, and explained the same thing using different words. He said, ‘that’s what she just said, why would you just repeat what she said?’ and then looked at all his friends as if I was ridiculous. I was dumbfounded. I responded, ‘Because you specifically asked me to explain it to you because apparently you didn’t understand it when she said it.’ I gave him a weird look, turned away and struck up a conversation with one of his friends instead.

A little while later, while he and his female friend were looking at their cell phones together, and everyone else was engaged in conversations with each other, I pulled out my cell phone and responded to a text. He immediately gave me a vicious look and mouthed “Stop that. Put it away.” I was confused and looked back at my phone. He kicked me under the table and angrily mouthed at me again to put my phone away. It made no sense to me. Why could everyone else be doing their own thing, but I was expected to just sit there and do nothing? I stayed on my phone for a little while longer just to make a point and then put it away. He was livid.

A few minutes later, we all got up to move to a different table. He and I arrived at the table first, and as I reached for the chair beside him he physically blocked me and said he didn’t want me sitting beside him. I asked why not, but he couldn’t give a reason so I sat beside him anyway, determined to win him over with my love that night (smh). Of course he proceeded to flirt with the girl who sat across from him while ignoring me, and then denied that he was flirting with her.

When he finally did decide to acknowledge me, it was by pretending he was going to hit me (he was not typically physically violent towards me, this was meant to appear as more of a play fighting thing… I think). As his hand came towards me, I grabbed his wrist and pushed it towards him instead, so he actually ended up punching himself in the face (lol!). Of course he didn’t think that was funny. He lashed out and scratched my face, drawing blood. Then he got mad at me, saying that I had punched him in the face. I just held onto the side of my face and tried not to cry. I couldn’t help thinking we were starting to become that obnoxious couple at the table.

I waited a minute or two, then went to the bathroom to clean up the scratch and try to collect my thoughts. When I came back, he was laughing with a pretty girl who had been siting on the other side of me, and then went up on stage to sing a song with her. Oh, how they laughed together. I couldn’t help feeling he was so full of hate for me and purposely trying to hurt me. He had never once asked me to go up with him, but he sure looked pleased as punch to be going up with her.

That was it. I was done. I silently endured the last 30 minutes, drove him home, walked into his house to grab my overnight bag, and walked out. Of course, he was mad about that because I was “abandoning” him, just like his mother. (blah blah blah)

We ended up still staying together for a few weeks after that before I finally ended it, once and for all. I’m pretty sure he only let me end it because his next one was finally ripe for the picking. A week after we broke up, she left her husband. Poor stupid girl.

When I think back on all the craziness over the years, this is one of the nights I keep coming back to. I was so worn down by this point that, despite all the little things he did that were actually huge red flags, I only had the strength to stay away for a couple of days before I slid right back in. It’s amazing how all our perceptions become so distorted over time when we’re subjected to constant abuse.

I’ve learned that so much of our process of healing and recovery is about self forgiveness. Yes, I wish I had cut him out of my life sooner, but at least I did it eventually. Thank goodness I did! In two days, it will be 8 months of freedom from all those little things he did, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not deeply grateful and happy to be free.

I know now that the little things with him were actually big things, really big things, and the little things in my life now – going to bed without a knot in my stomach, feeling proud of myself, dancing in my living room, kayaking alone on a quiet lake – those are the real treasures of life.

 

its-the-little-things-3

What Should I Do About Mother Dearest?

I have been pondering how to proceed with my relationship with my mother for many months (years?), so thought I’d put it out to you fabulous peeps to see if you have any advice. First, a little context.

My dad is definitely a narcissist, my mother I’m on the fence about. She’s very self-absorbed, and when I was growing up her abuse was primarily in the area of emotional incest and parental alienation. I was made to feel responsible for her feelings at all times, and constantly expected to show that I was on her side and against my father. I don’t remember a time when it wasn’t so. I also don’t remember ever feeling really loved. (However, I do remember constantly going to my mother as a young child asking, “Do you love me?”)

In my twenties, I went through a period of trying to be an awesome daughter, loving, understanding, supportive, whatever i thought it would take to build that Hollywood family I craved. In my mid-thirties, I started to become aware that I had grown up in an abusive home, and in the last year I’ve really come to learn about narcissism which has changed the way I see my parents.

My relationship with my father is ok now. I understand who/what he is and expect very little from him emotionally but, because he has been able to acknowledge the difficult childhood my sister and I were given, I feel able to move forward with him in some capacity, albeit with quite limited contact. (Easy to do since he lives on the other side of the world.)

My mother, on the other hand, isn’t open to the conversation of my childhood and instantly became defensive when I tried to bring it up a few years ago, and continues to be very self-centred in all her behaviours. She expresses an interest in what I’m doing only to gather enough information so she can brag to others. She always speaks at me or over me, and I’ve noticed that every time I’ve had an emotional fallout, she has immediately made it about herself and provided no emotional support whatsoever.

I understand that being married to my father would have been brutal, and that probably the emotional incest etc was her way of surviving in a very unhappy marriage. Part of me feels like after everything she’s been through in her life, I should be able to suck it up and spend a little time with her once in a while; after all, I don’t think she’s a bad person, I just think she’s a bit ignorant and incredibly self-absorbed. The other part of me thinks spending time with her now has no bearing on the past, so her past shouldn’t be part of my decision making process today.

For the last 8 months, I haven’t really spoken to her other than when I had to drive her to my niece’s birthday party in May, and even then I barely spoke to her in the car. I haven’t missed her in my life, and I have no desire to see her or want to be around her. She asked if she could stop by last week because she was going to be in the area, and I said no. 

As we’re heading into family gathering season (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.), I feel I need to start planning ahead for how I’m going to handle this. I’ve already started thinking I’m going to bail on Thanksgiving which means she will spend it alone. (My sister bailed on most family gatherings years ago, leaving me last woman standing.) I can handle the guilt of that.

My quandary is this: should I try to look at this relationship as a further opportunity for personal growth and work at keeping her in my life because she’s my mother, or should I gradually this relationship erode as I’ve already been doing, recognizing that I don’t feel she actually adds anything positive to my life anyway? 

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and maybe how you’ve handled adult relationships with your selfish parent(s). If you’ve previously written a post about a similar kind of quandary, please include a link in your reply so I can pop over to read it.

Thanks!

 

mother

Fish Hooks

Narc has always had impeccable timing. Somehow, he is always able to sense when my life is going well and when I’m releasing him, and that’s when he inevitably comes out of the woodwork again to try to hook me.

This past weekend I went away to my cottage. As I settled in on Friday night, I was feeling free-spirited, peaceful, beautiful, happy. I made mango martinis, cranked the tunes, and had a one-woman dance party in my living room.

In the morning, I woke to find a text from him: “Sorry. I don’t know how that happened.”

First of all, I couldn’t figure out how a text had gotten through my text blocker. Later I realized when I’d had my phone replaced a few weeks ago, I set up the blocker wrong. However, that actually turned out to be a blessing because this one text that slipped through alerted to me to the presence of one of his most favourite fish hooks: the ‘accidental’ pocket dial.

The first pocket dial I ever got from narc was about 8 months into knowing him. He ‘accidentally’ pocket dialed my work number, and left me a long message of him and his ‘friend’ (but actually girlfriend) planning a trip to Cuba. I was devastated.

Over the next few years, I received many pocket dials. They almost exclusively happened during periods when I’d cut off contact. They usually happened on Friday or Saturday nights so that I could ‘accidentally’ hear what a great time he was having without me. 

This time, it happened on a Friday night to my home number, which he almost NEVER called even when we were dating. (I can’t believe I was ever gullible enough to believe these calls were accidental. Narcs really are so good at spinning stories that leave us disoriented and confused. I can see everything so clearly now.)

I immediately dialed into my home voicemail and, for the first time ever, I didn’t listen to the message. He would NOT get his hooks me in this time. I would not ALLOW him to ruin my beautiful weekend. Once my voicemail was cleared, I went back into my text blocker, fixed the settings, deleted him once again, and breathed a sigh of relief.

This week it will be 7 months since the breakup and I AM HAPPY. I still think about him/us/our trainwreck of a relationship, and I still cry sometimes, but that’s part of the healing. I love myself now, I love who I’m becoming, and I love my life. He can ‘accidentally’ call my voicemail as much as he wants, I’m done with him. His hooks are dull and his bait is rotten. No contact for the win!

Growth Spurts

For the last few days, I have been deeply sad, bordering on depressed. For many reasons, I have been missing my ex – just the good parts of him, of course – and really missing having a ‘partner in crime’ to share thoughts and experiences with.

I’m frustrated that I’m 4 months post-breakup and still not ok yet. (Yes, I am an impatient person. :)) I’m ashamed that I know he isn’t deserving my love or my thoughts, yet here I am still thinking about him while he’s probably all caught up in the blissful lovebombing stage with the next victim. I have moped and cried and self-pitied for days.

Then this morning, I came online and saw this post by The Running Therapist:

butterfly

It’s true. We all go through difficult periods in our lives, but we rarely share the worst of it – the deepest pains, the most soul-shattering insecurities – even though we all go through them in our own different ways. The closest we get is here, in this online community of ours. (And boy, am I ever eternally grateful that we have this!)

So I’ve decided I’m going to stop thinking of this deeply sad phase as a setback, and start thinking of it as a growth spurt. Growth spurts are painful but temporary — and necessary to get to the next, better version of ourselves. 

Impatient me can hardly wait to become a butterfly, but at least this reminds me that I’m still moving forward even when it feels like I’ve stumbled back.

I am a butterfly, in progress.