Tag Archives: psychopath

Survivors, your help is needed for a PhD study

Today I participated in an online study on survivors of abusive romantic relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. If you’re out of a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath, please consider participating to help this PhD candidate gather as much information as possible. It took me about an hour, but it was really interesting and the time flew by!

She does discourage people who are currently still in the abusive relationship from participating, and I can see why – the first section especially is quite triggering in that we are asked to describe some of the abusive behaviours we were subjected to. I’m over two years out from the relationship and had to stop a few times to catch my breath, but in the end it felt good to have done it. You can also complete the study over several visits if you’d prefer not to do it one sitting.

Check it out – a good overview and a link to the study can be found here:

http://psychopathsandlove.com/doctoral-research-study-victims-of-psychopaths/

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Narc Spotting: Got One!

I know this isn’t healthy, but I decided to create a couple of fake accounts, poke around and see what narc is up to online these days. Strangely, I can’t find him anywhere in OK Cupid or POF. (I haven’t looked in years, I had just assumed he’d still be there.) It makes me wonder if he’s burned too many people in those sites and moved elsewhere, or if he’s hidden his profile.

Nevertheless, I came across this gem in the process. One man, two profiles:

narc

Shall we take a peek at what he has to offer?

Itsfuntobealive Smoothfriction
Self-summary: Easy going tall dark hair blue eyes. I Balance intellectual pursuits with humor and silly fun.take things seriously when I have to with 100% focus but when it is play time I also excel. I like to be the joker life of the party. Looking for a long term committed relationship but til I find the one I can enjoy some no strings playful fun. I’m tall, blue eyes, dark hair, easy going but no Pushover. Multi talented, Learner, collage student, electrical apprentice former electronic technician. Too much to write..LOL ask and you will receive. ūüôā
I‚Äôm really good at: Fixing things (almost anything) , humour , finding deals and interesting things, last but not least listening to a woman’s needs and making her feel fully woman. If Ynwim. ūüėČ Lots of things
The first things people usually notice about me: Piercing marble blue eyes, smile with a serious probing gaze to figure out exactly who you are friend or foe? Unanswered
 Unanswered Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food РBooks: 1984 , corporate fascism, confessions of an economic hit man, American Conspiracies by Jesse Ventura ( navy seal, governor), the creature from Jekyll island (creation of the federal reserve). Movies: I robot, terminator, Enron, much more
I spend a lot of time thinking about: A.d.i.d.a.s. lol. Really World politics, the environment, corporate and government corruption, information in general cause knowledge is power. Cliche but true. Unanswered
The six things I could never do without: Woman, electricity, water, food, cellphone, toiletpaper Oxygen, Food, Water, Comfort, Sex, Friends
You should message me if: Your real Like what you see. Your an honest fun person
I’m looking for:For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
Education: University Not selected (though note he does say above that he’s a “collage” student)
Last online: February 1 Today ‚Äď 2:10am

But wait, that’s not all! I’d never been on OK Cupid before. I noticed this handy “Personality” tab was filled out for his Itsfuntobealive profile. Check this out:

narc1

OK friends, it’s time for some target practice. Who wants to call out all the narcy (and quite possibly sociopathy or psychopathy) things about this creep? Aaaaaaand… go!

That’s Not Giddiness, It’s Fear

This morning I woke up to a message from narc’s female friend, who I haven’t been in contact with since February, asking if I’d¬†like to¬†get together for dinner or drinks.

When I saw her name pop up, my heart started racing, my body starting shaking, and I felt dizzy and panicked. It’s the same feeling I¬†used to have every time I heard from narc after a period of separation.

At the time, I had thought that what I was feeling was excitement. I thought I was giddy and nervous to hear from him because I was so in love with him. And even though I had been in love before and knew what that head over heels, butterflies in the stomach feeling feels like, I convinced myself this was a different more passionate love and that was why I was shaking so hard that it was a struggle to even type a reply.

Now¬†that I’m¬†on the other side of things where I have a much clearer perspective, it’s obvious to me that this whole-body hyperarousal is and was¬†my fight or flight response. ¬†Every subconscious part of me was screaming out that I was in danger, and my body was activating every part of itself trying¬†to pull me away to safety.

This reaction literally only ever happens in situations related to him, and now here it is again when I hear from his friend.

Our bodies are quite amazing, complex systems designed to survive. If we can learn to trust our guts then I believe our intuition can do an impressively reliable job of steering us clear of danger.

So, if you are still involved with your narc and you get¬†this same physical response, or if you’re dating and your body is responding with shakes and anxiety¬†instead of butterflies and heart expansion, please recognize that this is a sign to you that you are not safe. Heed the warning!¬†Fight the urge to romanticize it or rationalize it, and walk away.

After all, your gut has only one agenda and that is to protect you. It has no ulterior motives, ever, and it deserves your trust more than any other human being ever will.

it's not love if you're afraid

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Read more about trauma and the fight or flight response:

Do-Overs

Today is a beautiful warm day, like summer. I took out my bikini and with it came a waft of Costa Rica, left over from the trip I went on with narc in December. It has triggered so many flashbacks and I am struck with this almost desperate feeling that I wish I could go back and do things over. All of those times my gut was telling me to walk away, I wish I had. The times I wanted to scream at him to just f*** off, I wish I had.

Before we went to Costa Rica, I had lined up a few friends that would stay in contact over email. I called it my emotional safety plan. How sad that I knew I’d need one.

On our second night on the trip, he made me cry. I was amazed it had taken that long, that we’d made it through a day of no conflict. But on the second night, I sat in a restaurant while he berated me in a seemingly neverending stream of harsh words. I remember feeling so ashamed, knowing the couple at the table next to us was sitting there wondering why I was putting up with it, pitying the girl who was being abused. I wished they would say something, but I was also grateful that they didn’t. I asked him to stop, but he kept going until he finally said the thing that hit bulls eye and I ran to the bathroom sobbing, broken.

By the end of dinner we’d¬†finally made peace and went to sit on the beach under the moonlight. I don’t even remember what I did to make him mad then, but he stormed off leaving me alone in the night. I’m actually not even sure if it’s that I don’t remember what I did, or if it’s that¬†I never knew. He had such a way of getting angry at me so unexpectedly, I ultimately learned to just stay quiet and go with whatever he was doing, and certainly never asked questions. When you don’t know where the electric fence is, you’d rather just stay put where you are.

In the middle of the trip, I got sick¬†– fever, loss of appetite,¬†extremely weak. The first day he said it was just sunstroke. We were sitting in the lounge when it started to hit me. Since he was sitting there listening to his earbuds ignoring me anyway, I went back to the room to try to get some rest. He crashed in a few hours later, obviously a few drinks in, threw on the lights and started a dance party. He didn’t hide the fact that he was terrifically annoyed with me for not wanting to party with him, but eventually he offered to draw a bath for me to try to make me feel better. That is literally the only nice thing he did for me while I was sick, and boy did I hear about it over and over again. Yes, you filled a tub with water for me. You’re my hero.

What did I not hear about over and over again? When he condescendingly said to me: “You’re not really sick. You don’t even know what you’re feeling.” Huh?? Um, yes I do, I’m feeling really really sick.

I didn’t hear about how he yelled at me in the car because the GPS sent us on a treacherous drive, and how in the height of his anger he called me his ex-girlfriend’s name (because apparently I just made him so mad like she used to).

In the airport coming home we had a delay of several hours. We decided to go into town and walk around, get some dinner. I was still really sick but I knew I’d better not get in the way of his good time so instead I seized the opportunity to stop into a pharmacy to buy some medication and kleenex. When we finally made it back to the airport, I was so thankful to finally be able to lie down but he wasn’t done partying and pestered me to go to the bar with him. I looked at him with desperate eyes and said, “I’m really sick, I just really really need to lie down.” He left his things with me and off to the bar he went on his own.

As we were boarding the airplane later, he looked at me and asked, “Why do you hate me so much?” I don’t even remember what I said. I just remember my brain was screaming out at me to break up with him, but I kept thinking ‘don’t do it now, you still have the whole flight home, and your car is at his house. Wait til tomorrow.’ And then tomorrow became the next day, and the next day, for another month and a half.

It’s surreal to think back on all our shared moments. That was me? Why didn’t I speak up? Why did I let him get away with that? I know why, but I guess in the strength and safety that starts to come with¬†healing I just feel so angry that I let it come to that, that I let him push me around, that I didn’t scream back at him and tell him he was NOT good enough to be in my life. If you can’t be caring when I’m sick, get out. If you can’t be loving when I’m sad, get out. If you can’t speak with kindness,¬†GET THE F* OUT!!

I hope this experience with him has taught me to trust my gut. I hope it has taught me that my boundaries are valuable and essential and not to be compromised. I hope I do better next time.

Life and Death

For the last couple of months, I have been worried about narc’s teenage son who was constantly tweeting about his extensive drug use and suicidal thoughts. A couple of weeks ago, he tweeted about being taken to the hospital by police. Later, a picture of him in a neck brace appeared – the result of him having jumped in front of a bus. Then¬†he tweeted about taking a bath with a toaster – he survived but the toaster didn’t. On Friday, he tweeted wondering if it was rude to kill himself¬†at¬†a¬†friend’s house. And then he went silent.

Narc-son and I have never had a relationship. For the first three years I was advocating for him with his dad, having never met the kid but knowing he was in desperate need of love and support. Since last summer, we met three times in total and ended up following each other on Twitter. A couple of months later I broke up with his dad and started no contact. So, I have been watching from afar and worrying about him mostly because I know nobody else is. Maybe that sounds creepy, but it’s well-intentioned. I guess I just hoped I’d eventually get to see that he turned out ok after all.

Today I got a phone message from his dad (8 weeks no contact) telling me his son is on life support¬†– he took a bottle of pills¬†the hospital gave him after his last suicide attempt. Narc won’t even go see his son in the hospital because he doesn’t want to see him ‘like that’. He wishes he could talk to me.

I went into a tailspin.

I’ve been doing pretty well lately recovering from him¬†and every instinct is telling me I can NEVER make contact with him again, no matter what. But I HATE him for making me be this person who can’t provide support at a difficult time. HE MADE ME THIS WAY. I have no choice¬†– it’s my survival or his.

I want to be there for his son because every child deserves to be loved by someone, to be worried about and cared for, but that’s not my job and he would just think it’s weird if it was coming from me. I hope that somebody is stepping into that role for him, but I suspect not or he wouldn’t be onto his third? fourth? fifth? suicide attempt. My heart breaks for this child.

As for his dad, I went from feeling sad that I couldn’t support him to utter RAGE at the evil he brings into this world. He is a useless father, the most selfish person I have ever had the misfortune of knowing, and a toxic manipulator who cares about nobody – NOBODY – other than himself. I despise him with every core of my being for everything he has done to me, and everything he has done and continues to do to his son.

I talked to a counsellor friend minutes after hearing his message, and told her I was feeling sick… – she completed my sentence with: “…that he would use this to try to get to you?” I hadn’t even thought of that, but she’s right. Narcissistic sociopaths use everyone and everything around them to get their supply. He knows I am highly compassionate and have always worried about his son. Of course, this is right out of the narc playbook.

I would love to be there to support him and his son but I’ve learned that all I can do when it comes to narc is save myself. We are all responsible for ourselves and with narcissistic sociopaths there’s no messing around – it’s life or death, plain and simple. No contact, no matter what.

I will try to look at today’s phone call as a gift – at least now I¬†don’t have to google local obituaries looking for his son’s name, at least I know he’s still alive (for now). At least I can feel grateful for that little bit of peace of mind.

 

Tired of being tired

I’m so tired of the dreams. Every night I dream about him. They’re never happy dreams, he always treats me badly as he would’ve in real life and I feel bad all over again, as I did in real life.

Last night, I dreamed that we were on a trip together in Europe. We were taking the bus to our next destination which he had arranged; I didn’t know which town we were heading to. I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up he was gone, and he had taken my bag with him. It had my passport, my money, my cell phone. I was completely stranded. All I had was a few bills of Canadian money and¬†no idea where to go or what to do next. I just sat on the bus dumbfounded trying to figure out¬†what to do next.

The dream continued in the disconnected way that dreams do and eventually we crossed paths again. He just shrugged off my anger and frustration about ditching me, and made some comment about how he did that because of something I had said or done that had offended him. I just stood there in disbelief at how mean and vengeful he could become over the smallest, unconscious transgression. I woke up feeling sad and exhausted.

Then I came to work to find an¬†email from him – first one in at least 1.5 months. (No contact has been going pretty well – I have a reliable text blocker so have no idea what he’s been texting, and he’s only called and left a message once. It was just a matter of time I suppose before he’d try email.)

The subject of his email was: “Dream”.

I just have to tell you this dream because it was so vivid. I never usually remember dreams so that makes this doubly strange

so you and i were on my bed and we were cuddling and you had your head lying on my leg. ¬†I looked down at you and you were smiling and I was smiling and I was telling you that things between us were just so perfect. ¬†I looked at you and said something like “wow things are so great right now it doesn’t seem real” ¬†and then you looked at me and your smile disappeared and you were just starting at me with a dead pan look. ¬†And right then I knew. ¬†Then I said “oh my god this isn’t real is it” ¬† ¬†then you started to turn to dust right before my eyes and you disintegrated and blew away. ¬†Then I thought Id woken up but I was still dreaming and I couldn’t figure out if you were even real. I was thinking that maybe you never existed at all. ¬† ¬†Then I finally woke up for real. ¬† It was so freaky. ¬† and sad too.

I hope you haven’t blocked me or I guess I’ve typed this for nothing.¬†

Reading this made me so sad, remembering the cuddling, remembering his face when he was being kind.

And then I felt pleased that he has dreams about me too;¬†that¬†I’m not completely replaced by the new supply, whoever she may be.

And now I just feel drained. I wish he’d leave me alone. I’m exhausted and I want this whole thing to be over. He’s so not good enough, I just want him fully in my past as soon as possible. I’m so tired of being tired.

Addendum:
Interesting response from a friend who never trusted narc:
“i am very skeptical about this. it sounds made up. turning into dust and disintegrating? he’s lying to you.”

I am not an acquisition

Today I played piano for the first time in a long time.

Piano and I have a long history together. As a young child, piano was my nemesis. I was told I was talented, and subsequently regularly threatened, scolded and punished for not practising enough. I hated it and, first chance I got, I gave it up for drums.

As an adult, piano and I became good friends, but only in private. I was so used to not being ‘perfect’ enough that I never wanted to play in front of other people but finally, after much patience and encouragement many years ago, I played for my fiance at the time. He said, “Wow, it’s so different from how my mother plays. She’s always so worried about getting all the notes right.” He couldn’t have struck my insecurities any more perfectly, and I never played for him again. (He later explained that he meant that I played “with feeling”, which his mother didn’t, but it was too late, I was back in my shell.)

Through the four years that I knew my narcissist following that previous relationship, he always wanted me to play for him. He swore he would respond better than the previous guy, but it somehow never felt safe. In fact, after a little while, I just stopped playing piano altogether. Every time he asked me to play for him, I just responded that I hadn’t played in so long there wasn’t any point, it would sound terrible. That was my out¬†of ever having to let him into that part of my life, until¬†this past new year’s eve.

On new year’s eve, I got just drunk enough that I finally caved when he asked. I tried playing a few pieces, but each one sounded terrible, so full of mistakes. I was miserable. I felt like a little kid again being forced to play. I even had that horrible pit in my stomach. He didn’t do anything wrong, but nothing about it felt right. I told him I wasn’t feeling good about it and stopped.

So, all of that messy history is why it’s kind of a big deal (to me) that I played today and that I loved it. I felt relaxed, at peace, like I was reconnecting with an old friend, and I¬†wondered why it had never felt right to me that narc was so tremendously eager to have me play for him.

And then it finally clicked.

To him, being able to claim some kind of ownership to someone he deemed talented – especially musically talented – was something he felt gave him great value. He loved bragging about it.To him, convincing me to play for him was nothing more than an acquisition. Another notch in his belt of superiority – he was better than my ex, he could get me to do something nobody else could. No wonder nothing about that experience felt good to me.

Today, I’m so glad he’s out of my life. He will never hear me play again, and he will never use any part of me or my life to feed his narcissistic supply ever again. From now on, everything is for me and me alone. I am not an acquisition.