I’ve never really liked roller coasters. They make me nauseous and I hate that out-of-control feeling, trapped, bracing myself for an inevitable fall. For a brief while as a teenager, I was able to surrender to the experience and just allow my stomach to drop and enjoy the rides, but that ability disappeared after one fun-filled year and I’ve since given up on roller coasters completely.
Lately, I’ve had that awful, out of control, rush and drop feeling again. One day I’m peaceful and stable, the next day I’m crying uncontrollably all day long, and the next day I’m excited about my life and my future and feeling full of energy and possibilities.
I’d love to say that the good days come as a result of employing really effective coping strategies and taking awesome care of myself, but the truth is, I don’t really know how or why they happen. Sometimes I can pinpoint the root cause of an awful day to something specific — like learning something newly hurtful about narc, or feeling sorry for myself that the last of my single girlfriends are getting married, or even just good old fashioned PMS — but sometimes I just have no idea why a day becomes a bad day. All I can do is ride it out.
As I brace myself for what I suspect will be another stomach drop this weekend (visiting a friend’s cottage that narc and I visited together last year), I’m trying to rediscover that feeling of surrender that once allowed me to enjoy roller coasters… letting the ups and downs be what they will be, trusting that I am safe, knowing that – like all rides – this one also will eventually come to an end.
In fact, that seems to be the one good thing that is coming from this persistent seeming randomness of my emotions: it’s reminding me that eventually all things pass. While not so reassuring on the good days, it’s tremendously reassuring when I’m perched at the top of the cliff, heading for another free fall.
For the last few days, I have been deeply sad, bordering on depressed. For many reasons, I have been missing my ex – just the good parts of him, of course – and really missing having a ‘partner in crime’ to share thoughts and experiences with.
I’m frustrated that I’m 4 months post-breakup and still not ok yet. (Yes, I am an impatient person. :)) I’m ashamed that I know he isn’t deserving my love or my thoughts, yet here I am still thinking about him while he’s probably all caught up in the blissful lovebombing stage with the next victim. I have moped and cried and self-pitied for days.
Then this morning, I came online and saw this post by The Running Therapist:
It’s true. We all go through difficult periods in our lives, but we rarely share the worst of it – the deepest pains, the most soul-shattering insecurities – even though we all go through them in our own different ways. The closest we get is here, in this online community of ours. (And boy, am I ever eternally grateful that we have this!)
So I’ve decided I’m going to stop thinking of this deeply sad phase as a setback, and start thinking of it as a growth spurt. Growth spurts are painful but temporary — and necessary to get to the next, better version of ourselves.
Impatient me can hardly wait to become a butterfly, but at least this reminds me that I’m still moving forward even when it feels like I’ve stumbled back.
I am a butterfly, in progress.
Three months ago today, my friend’s baby was born and on that same day I started a new life of my own – I broke up with my narcissist. I remember at the time thinking: ‘this is awful now, but you just have to make it through the first 3 months and then you know you’ll be ok.’ Well, here I am! I made it! It has been positively brutal at times and I still have lots of feelings left to work through, but I truly feel the very worst is behind me. I’m starting to feel stronger by the day and increasingly hopeful that there is happiness in my future. How exciting!
In celebration of my 3 months, I’m posting a song that has been on steady play on my ipod for the last couple of weeks, and that powered me through a terrific 10K run this weekend.
I got infinite ammunition
Coming out the Yin Yang
I got limitless stealth positions
Extract the champion