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Sometimes I just cry. Not because anything in particular has happened, not because I’ve remembered anything specific. I just suddenly feel it welling up inside and, the next thing I know, I’m sobbing.
The first few times this happened I was confused and tried to figure out what I was crying about. But a few days ago I had a realization. All of the times over the last 4 years that I felt hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, insulted, neglected, attacked, etc and I stayed silent, those feelings got tucked away. I was too busy surviving, I couldn’t afford to feel the sad.
Now that I’ve finally cut off contact, it’s safe for me to feel my feelings. Now it’s safe to feel sad because it won’t be turned against me. It’s safe to be vulnerable because he’s not here to attack me.
I still have this image in my head of our last fight. It was a marathon fight that ended at 5:30 a.m. I was sitting on the bed, in the darkness, shoulders slumped, head hanging down. So defeated. Every time I had tried to say something he yelled over me or immediately cut me off. I had no voice anymore. I’d never been a pushover in a relationship, and here I was silent and passive. I didn’t even cry. Everything just felt so hopeless I didn’t even have tears for it anymore. I was empty.
When I think that was just one time, and there were so many others over the years, there must be so much that I tucked away. Every day, every hour there was something, big or small. So many things he did to control me. I just stayed quiet. I rarely cried. I didn’t yell. I had emotionally numbed myself.
So now when I find myself inexplicably crying, I remind myself that I’m catching up on all those feelings I couldn’t let myself feel over the last 4 years and that’s a good thing because it’s a sign that I’m safe now. This is part of my healing journey. I don’t want to carry those feelings as baggage into future relationships. I want to work through this and finish it so that I can become a stronger, better version of myself and set the stage for a happy psychopath-free future.
These are healing tears. Bring ’em on. 🙂