One year and 3 months into No Contact, there are still moments when I feel like I miss that jerk who doesn’t deserve for me to miss him for even a moment. So many triggers – Chandler on Friends makes a witty remark in exactly the same way narc used to, a dream brings his face back to my mind, a hike in a beautiful forest reminds me of a time we hiked (which he told me later had made his girlfriend at the time jealous… he sure did love that triangulation).
I’ve been working on the missing/not missing all day and figured I’m not the only one out here doing this, so I thought I’d take a moment to identify the tools in my ‘missing him toolbox’:
1) It wasn’t real. I remind myself that it wasn’t real. The things I miss are manufactured moments he intentionally created to hook me. They were cookie cutter moments he has surely used on many women before and after me.
2) The bad moments were real. The smirk every time he finally managed to break me down. the cheating, the coldness – those were real. I don’t miss that. Feeling small, unimportant, stupid, ashamed – I don’t miss that.
3) I hated the alcoholism. Going out for a nice hike on a sunny day? Let’s find a place to have a drink! Sunday morning at the cottage? Time to drink! Leaving for an all-inclusive vacation? Let’s hurry up and squeeze in a drink at 11am before leaving for the airport. God forbid we don’t drink at every single opportunity, we don’t want to be “buzz killington” (which I was, apparently).
4) Leaving him behind means there is hope for happiness and emotional healthiness. Missing him is part of the grieving and moving forward, but it does not mean I would want to be back in a relationship with him. I don’t miss the real him, and I don’t miss that relationship. Maybe I miss companionship, maybe I miss his sense of humour, maybe I miss cuddling, but none of that means I want him back in my life. No f’g way.
5) The day I broke up with him, before I had fully realized that he was a narcissist and I cut off contact once and for all, I wrote a reminder note in my cell phone titled “Not J” to remind myself of all the reasons I should never want to be with him. Here’s my list – I bet you can relate to a lot of it:
- Double standards
- Controlled how we spend our time
- Made up stories about me, won’t let me explain/correct them (e.g. saying I would rush to see Scott but not him)
- Didn’t respond when I talked
- Sang over me when I was talking
- Wouldn’t have a conversation unless it’s a topic he decides is interesting to him
- Changes the rules (eg agreed we wouldn’t exchange Christmas presents then in front of my whole family made a big deal that I didn’t get him a present)
- Doesn’t care if he hurts me until he needs something from me
- Takes everything so personally, I can’t bring up anything for discussion without him getting defensive
- No normal friendships
- Gross farts
- House smells like cat litter and mold
- Never said he liked what I cooked
- Thought it was ridiculous to ask me how my day was
- No “good night”, just disappeared from conversation
- Would say rude or insulting things to me in public
- Constantly contradicted himself – ‘I’m live in the moment guy’ vs ‘I hate that I can’t plan a trip with you’
- Insensitive, talking about his other trips with exes during and after our trip, even when he knew it made me feel bad
Wow, with a list like that what’s not to miss, right? Line forms to the left, ladies! Oh look, I don’t miss him anymore. 😉