Category Archives: Empowering Songs

Happy 3 Month Anniversary to Me!

Three months ago today, my friend’s baby was born and on that same day I started a new life of my own – I broke up with my narcissist. I remember at the time thinking: ‘this is awful now, but you just have to make it through the first 3 months and then you know you’ll be ok.’ Well, here I am! I made it! It has been positively brutal at times and I still have lots of feelings left to work through, but I truly feel the very worst is behind me. I’m starting to feel stronger by the day and increasingly hopeful that there is happiness in my future. How exciting!

In celebration of my 3 months, I’m posting a song that has been on steady play on my ipod for the last couple of weeks, and that powered me through a terrific 10K run this weekend.

The chorus:

I got infinite ammunition
Coming out the Yin Yang
I got limitless stealth positions
Extract the champion

🙂

I am not an acquisition

Today I played piano for the first time in a long time.

Piano and I have a long history together. As a young child, piano was my nemesis. I was told I was talented, and subsequently regularly threatened, scolded and punished for not practising enough. I hated it and, first chance I got, I gave it up for drums.

As an adult, piano and I became good friends, but only in private. I was so used to not being ‘perfect’ enough that I never wanted to play in front of other people but finally, after much patience and encouragement many years ago, I played for my fiance at the time. He said, “Wow, it’s so different from how my mother plays. She’s always so worried about getting all the notes right.” He couldn’t have struck my insecurities any more perfectly, and I never played for him again. (He later explained that he meant that I played “with feeling”, which his mother didn’t, but it was too late, I was back in my shell.)

Through the four years that I knew my narcissist following that previous relationship, he always wanted me to play for him. He swore he would respond better than the previous guy, but it somehow never felt safe. In fact, after a little while, I just stopped playing piano altogether. Every time he asked me to play for him, I just responded that I hadn’t played in so long there wasn’t any point, it would sound terrible. That was my out of ever having to let him into that part of my life, until this past new year’s eve.

On new year’s eve, I got just drunk enough that I finally caved when he asked. I tried playing a few pieces, but each one sounded terrible, so full of mistakes. I was miserable. I felt like a little kid again being forced to play. I even had that horrible pit in my stomach. He didn’t do anything wrong, but nothing about it felt right. I told him I wasn’t feeling good about it and stopped.

So, all of that messy history is why it’s kind of a big deal (to me) that I played today and that I loved it. I felt relaxed, at peace, like I was reconnecting with an old friend, and I wondered why it had never felt right to me that narc was so tremendously eager to have me play for him.

And then it finally clicked.

To him, being able to claim some kind of ownership to someone he deemed talented – especially musically talented – was something he felt gave him great value. He loved bragging about it.To him, convincing me to play for him was nothing more than an acquisition. Another notch in his belt of superiority – he was better than my ex, he could get me to do something nobody else could. No wonder nothing about that experience felt good to me.

Today, I’m so glad he’s out of my life. He will never hear me play again, and he will never use any part of me or my life to feed his narcissistic supply ever again. From now on, everything is for me and me alone. I am not an acquisition.

Video

“Anything” by Hedley

Everybody said, you better stay in school,
Get a real job, boy, don’t be a fool,
Burn that guitar, you can never be a star,
I can, I can, I can, so

A thousand disbelievers couldn’t keep me on the ground,
I’ve invented a momentum that’ll never slow me down,
I believe it ’cause I feel it, and I shout it out loud,
I can, I can, I can, so

Everybody said, boy, don’t go any higher,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything,
Never push the limit, and don’t play with fire,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything,
Na na na Na na na na Na na na na na na
Wear my heart on my fist take
You by surprise fighter,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything

(hahaha okay, okay, okay)

Be a movie star or rock a main stage,
An Xbox tester, or an astronaut in space,
If they tell you that you can’t,
You can shove it in their face,
I can, I can, I can, so

A hundred thousand disbelievers couldn’t keep me on the ground,
I’ve invented a momentum that’ll never slow me down,
I believe it ’cause I feel it, and I shout it out loud,
I can, I can, I can, so

Everybody said, boy, don’t go any higher,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything,
Never push the limit, and don’t play with fire,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything,
Na na na Na na na na Na na na na na na
Wear my heart on my fist take
You by surprise fighter,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything

(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

I can do anything,
Never try, never win, never get a break,
You miss a hundred percent of the shots
You never take,
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh [3x]

Everybody said boy, don’t go any higher,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything,
Never push the limit, and don’t play with fire,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything,

Everybody said, boy, don’t go any higher,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything,
Never push the limit, and don’t play with fire,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything,
Na na na Na na na na Na na na na na na
Wear my heart on my fist take
You by surprise fighter,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything
Na na na Na na na na Na na na na na na

Everybody said, boy, don’t go any higher,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything

 

Credit: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/hedley/anything.html

Video

“Brave” by Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just want to see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

Credit: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarabareilles/brave.html 

Video

“Roar” by Katy Perry

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’ll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar…

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’ll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar…

Credit: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/katyperry/roar.html