When I Miss Him…

One year and 3 months into No Contact, there are still moments when I feel like I miss that jerk who doesn’t deserve for me to miss him for even a moment. So many triggers – Chandler on Friends makes a witty remark in exactly the same way narc used to, a dream brings his face back to my mind, a hike in a beautiful forest reminds me of a time we hiked (which he told me later had made his girlfriend at the time jealous… he sure did love that triangulation).

I’ve been working on the missing/not missing all day and figured I’m not the only one out here doing this, so I thought I’d take a moment to identify the tools in my ‘missing him toolbox’:

1) It wasn’t real. I remind myself that it wasn’t real. The things I miss are manufactured moments he intentionally created to hook me. They were cookie cutter moments he has surely used on many women before and after me.

2) The bad moments were real. The smirk every time he finally managed to break me down. the cheating, the coldness – those were real. I don’t miss that. Feeling small, unimportant, stupid, ashamed – I don’t miss that.

3) I hated the alcoholism. Going out for a nice hike on a sunny day? Let’s find a place to have a drink! Sunday morning at the cottage? Time to drink! Leaving for an all-inclusive vacation? Let’s hurry up and squeeze in a drink at 11am before leaving for the airport. God forbid we don’t drink at every single opportunity, we don’t want to be “buzz killington” (which I was, apparently).

4) Leaving him behind means there is hope for happiness and emotional healthiness. Missing him is part of the grieving and moving forward, but it does not mean I would want to be back in a relationship with him. I don’t miss the real him, and I don’t miss that relationship. Maybe I miss companionship, maybe I miss his sense of humour, maybe I miss cuddling, but none of that means I want him back in my life. No f’g way.

5) The day I broke up with him, before I had fully realized that he was a narcissist and I cut off contact once and for all, I wrote a reminder note in my cell phone titled “Not J” to remind myself of all the reasons I should never want to be with him. Here’s my list – I bet you can relate to a lot of it:

  • Double standards
  • Yelling
  • Alcohol
  • Controlled how we spend our time
  • Made up stories about me, won’t let me explain/correct them (e.g. saying I would rush to see Scott but not him)
  • Didn’t respond when I talked
  • Sang over me when I was talking
  • Wouldn’t have a conversation unless it’s a topic he decides is interesting to him
  • Lied
  • Changes the rules (eg agreed we wouldn’t exchange Christmas presents then in front of my whole family made a big deal that I didn’t get him a present)
  • Doesn’t care if he hurts me until he needs something from me
  • Takes everything so personally, I can’t bring up anything for discussion without him getting defensive
  • No normal friendships
  • Gross farts
  • House smells like cat litter and mold
  • Never said he liked what I cooked
  • Thought it was ridiculous to ask me how my day was
  • No “good night”, just disappeared from conversation
  • Would say rude or insulting things to me in public
  • Constantly contradicted himself – ‘I’m live in the moment guy’ vs ‘I hate that I can’t plan a trip with you’
  • Insensitive, talking about his other trips with exes during and after our trip, even when he knew it made me feel bad

Wow, with a list like that what’s not to miss, right? Line forms to the left, ladies! Oh look, I don’t miss him anymore. 😉

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10 responses to “When I Miss Him…

  1. Excellent post, explaining exactly how I feel and struggle with the “I miss him-moments” (after 8 months out of the ‘relationship’ and 4 months into NC). Indeed, the list could be describing ‘my’ N. Thanks for this honest and clear-sighted write- it made my day:-)

  2. Yes, those dreaded, deceitful “I miss him” moments! Ugh! When they hit (and thankfully it’s less frequently now), I just remind myself that it’s not HIM I’m missing, it’s his attention and sweet talk…but that was all calculated, faked in an attempt to get what he wanted from me. I know if I were to run back to him or succumb to his hoovers, it would only be more of the same…probably worse. Thanks for sharing your struggle and how you fight those feelings; it’s so greatly appreciated and much needed!

    • Likewise! It’s comforting to know we’re not in this alone. And you’re right, the mystery is gone, we know what would await us if we were to go back and that in itself is a very helpful deterrent!

  3. I love your points, they’re spot on! It’s good to have reminders about what we don’t miss = reality checks!

    I’m very early in to my NC, broke it a couple of times but I’ve called it off completely now!

    So thank you for this =)

    • Awesome, thanks for your comment. And good for you for resolving to make the final cut! We all make a few slips back before we’re done for good. Stay strong, happier days are in your future. They will be so worth it. 🙂 xo

      • Sometimes you have to get burnt a few times to learn life’s lessons! Definitely happier days to come; I wish I could fast forward time somehow! Thank you. =) x

        • It’s so true, and I so vividly remember that feeling of wishing I could fast forward time. In the early days it’s one minute, one hour at a time… such hard work, but it does get easier if you can stick with no contact. Just try to be kind and gentle with yourself through this bumpy ride, if you can. Sending you much love!

  4. Thank you. It’s as if I wrote this myself. He left with the money today. I came thisclose to suicide this afternoon. He didn’t care. I sobbed, screamed, begged for some kind of fucking compassion. Nothing. More blame. Gaslighting. Humiliation. Laughing at my incredible pain. This monster has destroyed my life. I dropped out of school. Lost jobs. Wound up in ER for suicide 4 times this year. My credit is destroyed. I am a single mother of 2 children on disability. I have zero support, friends, or family. I am a shell. I have nothing left. My life is destroyed and he walks away. I have sacrificed everything for him. He has abused me physically and mentally. I can’t. I can’t cope. Please someone, please reach out. I am totally desperate and lost. How could I let it get this far? How could I do this to my kids? I HATE MEN. HATE HATE HATE. ALL THE SAME. ALL “VICTIMS”. God. Please someone help me.

    • I’m so sorry. It sounds like you are really in the worst of it, completed stripped down. Their complete lack of compassion and caring is so brutal and awful, but also in a way becomes a gift because it makes it to painfully clear that our only choice is to move forward, away from them. No contact was a lifesaver for me, because it at least stopped additional emotional assaults from happening, so I could focus on trying to deal with getting through each day and dealing with the past without him piling more on to what I was dealing with. I really hope you’re able to find some supports to help you get through this. I understanding the hating, I really do. The hating starts to lessen in time, just get through one minute at a time for now, as best you can. Sending you love and strength. ❤

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