Stepping Stones

Sometimes I’m able to step back and get a view of the larger perspective of my life. Today is one of those days. (Yay!)

In my life, things have had a way of falling into place. Not in the Hollywood way, where I meet the perfect guy and he says the perfect thing and we ride off into the sunset together (obviously), but in a ‘you’re going to be okay’, ‘everything happens for a reason’ kind of way. Some notable examples…

I got pregnant when I was 18, but I was incredibly lucky to have a great baby, support from both families and a ‘baby daddy’ who wanted to make a go of it. Things ultimately didn’t work out between us, but thanks to us staying together for 4 years and our families’ support, we were both able to get our university degrees.

Soon after, I was lucky to get a job in an industry that allowed me to gradually work my way up in a career that paid enough so that I could provide for me and my son, and eventually even start putting some money into savings. As my son started to get ready for his own post-secondary adventure, I figured out what I really wanted to do with my life and, thanks to the money I’d been making all those years doing a well-paying job I didn’t love, I was able to go back to school too.

One month before finishing my program, I was let go from my job (where I’d been for almost 10 years). Although it felt horrible at the time, I was lucky enough to get a job in my new field within 2 months of being let go, which left the bulk of my severance pay to subsidize my new (sorely underpaid) career.

Tonight I went out for a 10k run, and while I was running I thought about how two years ago I didn’t think I could ever be a runner. It was because of narc that I started running. I figured if an out-of-shape, flabby-bellied alcoholic could run 5k, then I could too. Once I started running, it turned out I was actually pretty good at it. In fact, I’m now training for a half marathon, and frankly running has turned out to be a huge blessing – the only really successful coping mechanism I’ve had through all the depression over the last two years.

Life weirdly has given me what I needed when I needed it. Yeah, I let a bad guy into it for a few years, but who knows what greatness he was the stepping stone to. Maybe I had to go through all this crap to end up in a really great place. (My girlfriend actually thinks I’m going to end up with a runner someday – how cool would that be!)

The truth is, this is the first time in my life I’ve felt like I’m not afraid to feel my feelings, and I’m kind of enjoying being alone, doing my own thing. I’m learning so much about myself, and I like feeling like I’m in charge of my life in a really calm, drama-free way.

If I really look at it, my life is actually pretty good, and it’s become this way by going through difficult times that actually ended up getting me to really good places.

So, Life, it turns out you’ve actually got a pretty good track record. I choose to trust you, and I can’t wait to see where that last lumpy, broken stepping stone ends up taking me.

stepping stones

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5 responses to “Stepping Stones

  1. what a great post!!!!!!

  2. Very inspiring! Yes, the narc experience is, after all, some kind of a blessing: it forces us to look at OURSELVES instead of them, overcome co-dependant pattern of thinking and behaviour, cherish/nourish/heal OUR inner child instead of focusing on their f*cked up character and issues…

    I remember lying in his bed at
    his place while he was having a long phone conversation he had with his ‘other girlfriend’ in the loving room. According to him, she was now the ‘ex-girlfriend’, but she she didn’t know about me and he didn’t want her to know, because “well, she’s in the middle of her exams, it would be too cruel to tell her about you, there’s a form of honesty that is just plain cruelty, ‘ya know- I just can’t do that to her!” And: “we’re long-distance too, right now, she’s been my girl-friend of 4 years and I can’t break up over the phone, right? She doesn’t want to see me before the end of her exams, so I can’t clarify things right now, you have to accept that!”

    That was in March, and her final exams were scheduled for September.

    I felt so humiliated, I cried and said aloud to myself “oh God, why do I have to go through this, why am I allowing him to do this to me?” That was about three months into the (long-distance) relationship’ and I stayed another 8 months! In the course of these 8 months, I was called her name during sex 4 months into the ‘relationship’ (him: “it just happened- I wasn’t thinking of her at all, why did you mention her this morning!?!”), I ‘accidentally’ säe her photo on his office desk (9 months into the ‘relationship’) and swallowed the “it-is-not-what-it-looks-like-just-nostalgia”- thing…

    Today, seperated for 5 months and no contact for 2 months, slowly but finally healing from all his deceit, crap and lies.

    He, of course, is NOT with her but again surfing the same dating site where we met – and where he hooked her too, 5 years ago – writing the same shitty flirty/shades-of-grey-messages… I know because my fake profile received 8 (!) subsequent messages although I did not react to any of them!

    What infuriated me most is that he uses my son’s name as a nick on this site!

    This is just so pathetic, sick and ridiculous. I know I have to delete that fake account or I will abuse myself by reading these messages. And I will this week-end. I just had to be 100% sure that he lied and cheated from day 1
    (on her, on me and on the next supply too) and never had any other intend than using me, just as he used her, his ex-wife and every other woman im the past!

    I am so happy I slammed the door and excluded this assclown from my life.

    Thanks for letting me vent and share this. Sorry for any typos and grammar mistakes- I am not a native speaker:-)

    • Oops, *living room*, not *loving room*! A nice Freudian smartphone slip;-)

    • That sounds so painful, I’m so sorry you went through all that. It takes us time to realize we can’t believe them and shouldn’t give the benefit of the doubt, we’re not raised to know people like this exist in the world so how the heck are we supposed to make sense of their behaviours!? I’m so glad you have cut him off and are starting to be able to see things more clearly. It probably will be good to delete the fake account when you can – the less energy you spend trying to process or recover from new things you see him do, the more energy you can spend healing and recovering from the past and rebuilding for the future. He doesn’t deserve your energy, that’s for sure! You’ll get there. It’s all one step at a time and you are on your way. 🙂 ❤

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