Run and Go

The truth is, I’m struggling.

My mind won’t stop replaying everything he put me through over those 4 years – all the lies, the cruel manipulations, all the times I tried harder and harder not wanting to admit I was the only one trying.

Sometimes it slips into imagining how he’s probably acting with his new girlfriend right now and how unfair it is that he gets to move on quickly while I’m here working hard every day to muddle through all the feelings, but I redirect those thoughts quickly because I know what she’s in for, and I wouldn’t trade places with her for a second.

This week I also started doing yoga, which has produced an unexpected side effect – every session ends in me sobbing from my core. Apparently that’s not an unusual response for people who are recovering from traumatic situations, I just didn’t see that one coming. I guess I’ll know I’m starting to get better when I can finally get through yoga without crying. πŸ™‚

I know I am processing. I know this takes time. I believe I’ll be ok. I’m just starting to feel like a broken record, and realized I’ve been increasingly withdrawing and isolating myself from friends to avoid the choice of either pretending to be ok or repeating talking about the same old feelings.

So maybe that’s why the chorus of this song resonates so much with me today:

Don’t wanna call you in the nighttime
Don’t wanna give you all my pieces
Don’t wanna hand you all my trouble
Don’t wanna give you all my demons
You’ll have to watch me struggle
From several rooms away
But tonight I need you to stay


7 responses to “Run and Go

  1. Girl hang in there… Been in our shoes not too long ago. I’m sure people will say this is a terrible idea, but I got on a dating site – not with the intention of meeting someone special, but just to get out of the house and have dialog. I’ve made a number of guy pals. Oh, and if they guy is a hit it and quit it kind of guy, I basically lay it out, that that will never happen. It is also a good way to practice your newly acquires skills. What skills you ask? They ones you now have to help you identify the “MindFuckers”. You should read the Sociopath Next Door and one called something like The Women Who Love Psychopaths.

    i swear… i cried… cried… cried… untiL I was sick to my stomach, I moped around my house… didn’t want to get out of bed – and now i am like Fuck IT! Try it, just yell FUCK IT!!! FUCK HIM and FUCK IT!!!! really loud!

    • haha I’ve definitely had my ‘FUCK HIM!’ days, and literally every day I randomly blurt out “i fucking hate him” to myself more than once.

      I’ve done the online dating to recover in the past, but I can tell I’m not ready for that this time… I don’t have the energy to even think about all that small talk. Kudos to you that you’re getting out there and putting your narc-dar to good use though!

      I’ll check out those books. Thanks for the pep talk. πŸ™‚

  2. I know what you mean Tojesmula, i do that EVERY day, still.
    6 months on i count it a good start to the day if i dont think of him within 30 mins of waking up and spit those words out, sometimes i think of him and how much i hate him less than 30 times a day…. im kinda kidding when i say this but kinda not.
    Im getting better though, slowly and i forgive myself for not being there yet, after all it took me 3 years to be brought that low so how can i expect to be ok after only 6 months, stay strong πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much for that, Magpie. It’s comforting to know you’re going through the same thing. And yeah, 30 times a day sounds about right… !
      I sure wish I had some idea how much longer it’ll be before I start feeling like it’s really all behind me. This is a pretty spectacular lesson in patience and self-forgiveness…

  3. Yep, although there are maybe better ways to learn it eh!
    One thing i have noticed is how good ive got at controlling my reactions in other situations, things that before i would have flared up and raged at i can now outwardly just smile at, take a deep breath and bite my tongue. Im not sure if this is good or bad to internalise these emotions so much? but its a side effect for sure.
    my friend reckons that even after a normal breakup it will take you half the length of the relationship to get back on an even keel, on those grounds i still have another year to go before i should even think about getting back into dating and at the moment even that seems too soon (for me at least) im in no rush to share my life with anyone on that level and its ok by me.
    I have a long way to go! lessons learnt and still learning….

    • Yes, definitely better ways to learn it!
      That’s interesting about being able to control your emotions. I guess it depends if you’re controlling them or stuffing them? So much to figure out still.
      If your friend is right about that timeline, I would still have 1.5 years to go. Oh man, I hope it won’t be that long. I do, however, get the feeling I’m learning lessons and processing things I should’ve been dealing with over the last 30+ years, so I guess I can’t expect that to happen too too quickly… One day at a time, right?

  4. im not sure if im controlling or stuffing anymore, i think its helping to let go by blogging on here? im not as angry as i was?
    one day at a time yep πŸ™‚
    Before you realise it youll be ready as i guess i will too, ill keep following and see how it goes and learning πŸ™‚

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