The truth is, I’m struggling.
My mind won’t stop replaying everything he put me through over those 4 years – all the lies, the cruel manipulations, all the times I tried harder and harder not wanting to admit I was the only one trying.
Sometimes it slips into imagining how he’s probably acting with his new girlfriend right now and how unfair it is that he gets to move on quickly while I’m here working hard every day to muddle through all the feelings, but I redirect those thoughts quickly because I know what she’s in for, and I wouldn’t trade places with her for a second.
This week I also started doing yoga, which has produced an unexpected side effect – every session ends in me sobbing from my core. Apparently that’s not an unusual response for people who are recovering from traumatic situations, I just didn’t see that one coming. I guess I’ll know I’m starting to get better when I can finally get through yoga without crying. 🙂
I know I am processing. I know this takes time. I believe I’ll be ok. I’m just starting to feel like a broken record, and realized I’ve been increasingly withdrawing and isolating myself from friends to avoid the choice of either pretending to be ok or repeating talking about the same old feelings.
So maybe that’s why the chorus of this song resonates so much with me today:
Don’t wanna call you in the nighttime
Don’t wanna give you all my pieces
Don’t wanna hand you all my trouble
Don’t wanna give you all my demons
You’ll have to watch me struggle
From several rooms away
But tonight I need you to stay