He speaks…

I’ve been waffling about whether or not to post this, but finally decided I would because I always find it interesting to read what other narcissists sound like, so maybe it would be interesting to someone to read what mine sounds like in this latest email from him. This is narc being on good behaviour, since it has been 9 weeks of No Contact.

I wanted to write you this email to let you know what has happened.  I know you said no contact and true to form I am not respecting that wish.  I am sorry I just can’t not contact you no matter how hard I try.  I accept all the labels you want to put on me because of it.  I understand that you can’t respond to me because its bad for you. I hate it but I understand.  I think I do.

Firstly my drinking: I went a month without so much as a drop but I suffered a set back recently on that front.  I was in Vancouver for a week for a trade show and ended up having wine with dinner.  and since then I have had a few drinks here and there.  It’s just something I am always going to struggle with. I think I am up to the task though.

Anyway I wanted to let you know what is happening with [my son].

He broke up with his girlfriend and moved back home. there was a fight and he ended up getting charged with assault. to make matters worse his phone was off and he didn’t know the police were looking for him.  He finally went to his moms and planned on staying there for a couple days but [his mom]’s boyfriend ended up freaking out and strangling [his mom] and punching [my son] in the face. (he was then arrested too)  so [my son] left there and came home

Then [my son] was just moping around the house for a couple weeks  I was getting frustrated with him.  He met some crazy girl on the internet and brought her to the house to have sex.  I told him not to do that anymore.  I was very upset.  Especially  cuz the girl looked very young and had some emotional problems of her own.

Then [my son] was getting even more depressed.  He took one of the cat insulin needles and injected himself with poison (some kind of rubbing alcohol)  then he took a bunch of pills (I think they were my old antidepressants)  then he fell asleep for a while  when he woke up he was still super depressed.  He went on the street near [my ex-girlfriend]’s bar and jumped in front of a bus.  the bus windsheild was smashed and [my son] flew across the road but was relativity uninjured except for some bruising and scratches

He was admitted to the Mental ward at the hospital.  He was in there for a couple weeks.  I was hoping they would keep him in until after my vancouver trip but they didn’t.  They let him out right before I left.  He seemed a bit better for a bit.  but it was short lived.  He was still doing the same thing as before.  I guess it was naive of me to think any real progress could have been made in 2 weeks.  the gave him a bunch of anti depressant pills.

We had a big fight before I left for BC.  He was going to some girls place, showing no motivation to do anything, he racked up 300 bucks on his phone, etc..   He left before I went to BC and I didn’t know where he was

[My ex-girlfriend] was taking care of the cats while I was gone and she said he had been home a couple times. so that made me feel a bit better.    anyway when I finally came home last Monday [my son] was no where to be found.  I was thinking he was at his friends.   I finally got a call on Wednesday from the hospital saying they were looking for me.  Apparently [my son] was in there since the previous Friday.  He had taken all the pills that they gave him and was currently in a coma.  I went to the hospital and told me that his kidneys weren’t functioning and he was on dialysis His heart had suffered cardiac trauma and his lungs were full of fluid so he was on a ventilator.

I later found out that he was being kept in sedation to keep him calm during all this treatment.  so it wasn’t like he had just fallen in to a coma.   The doctor said that his kidneys should heal since he is so young but its not guaranteed   Right now we just have to wait.   So that’s how its been since last week.

Its been really difficult to try and stay positive here but I am doing it.  the no drinking couldn’t have come at a better time because I don’t think I would have been equipped to deal with this if I was drinking in a big way.  The running has helped too.  (I did the around the bay again)

Anyway, I hope you are well.  I have read a couple of your blog posts and you seem to be happy.  I would love to hear from you but if it will be a set back for you or make you sad I guess you shouldn’t

wish you well though

My observations:

  1. Firstly the obvious: it’s all about him (of course)
  2. ” I am sorry I just can’t not contact you no matter how hard I try.” As usual, he’s not trying, and he’s not sorry.
  3. He’s lying about running Around the Bay. I checked the finisher results, he’s not listed. What a weird lie. I bet if I poked he’d say he bought/used someone else’s bib, but I doubt that would be true either.
  4. He just had to make sure to slip in references about his ex-girlfriend – trying hard to keep the triangulation alive.
  5. I bet he just loves having all this drama to talk about.  It’s so typically narcy of him that it’s all so cold and factual considering the circumstances. Wouldn’t a normal parent be saying how worried sick they are about their child?
  6. The reference to my blog is a stretch. He’s referring to my other blog (he doesn’t know about this one). The last 2 posts were end of January (when we broke up) and early February (about my first weekend alone since the breakup), so he obviously didn’t pay close attention to what he was reading, but thanks for the tip that you’re  checking on that blog. I’ll make sure to continue NOT posting in it!

It’s still a bit of an exercise to overcome the emotional surge when I see his name pop up in my inbox, and then to intellectually dissect the communication within the framework of narcissism, rather than falling into the old pattern of caring about ‘that poor guy who’s struggling so hard to make it in this world’. That ‘poor guy’ doesn’t care about anyone but himself, and when I look at his email objectively, it’s actually not all that hard to see.

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14 responses to “He speaks…

  1. I think your observations are spot on…… Funny, like you say, it is always about them…nowhere did he ask ‘how are YOU doing’?!?!?! And right off the bat he acknowledges YOUR boundary of no contact…but hey, why should he follow and respect that??!!! Ugggggg…

  2. thenarcissistwrites

    He probably thinks that you’ll respond out of concern for his son. That’s all he wants out of you, is a response. Don’t give it to him.

    • Thanks, you’re so right. As much as I am worried about his son, there’s no way he’s getting a reply out of me. Ever.

      • thenarcissistwrites

        Is there any way you can get in contact with the son without having to go through him though?

        • Not until the son is back on Twitter, which I imagine will be a while. I’m not even sure it would be wise to make any contact with the son though, since he’d probably mention it to his dad…? I don’t know. That will be a game day decision.

  3. WoW!
    Good words fail me.
    Great observations.

  4. I would love it if you would read this and to hear your opinion on it? http://liincorporated.me/2012/08/16/the-sociopath-a-perspective-reading/

  5. Its weird isnt it how if you didnt know what to look for it would slip under most peoples radar’s, we would focus on the son and almost miss how self absorbed he is. Someone who didnt know better could read it and think “seems reasonable” but we know better, my ex is exactly the same. Stay strong x

    • Oh my gosh you’re so right, I was thinking the exact same thing, that it seemed like a ‘normal’ email until I really started to break it down. They’re wily awful creatures. Thanks so much for the support Magpie. x

      • No worries, im going through it myself, trying to work out whats real and what is his version of reality. It can be hard as theyre so convincing, i guess because they convince themselves first!
        I sometimes reread his emails, texts etc just to remind myself how twisted he really is as my brain keeps trying to forget. All i have to do is remember the smile that didnt reach the eyes when he was building up to a rage, giving me as he saw it, enough rope to hang myself by actually falling into the trap of trusting him and it all comes rushing back. I wouldnt contact him, i know its hard as you are a normal person and reaching out to help others is a normal thing to do but hes obviously not! I know it hurts to not be able to help his son too but im not sure you can?
        Sometimes even if you take someone and show them the path theyll never be able to walk it, you cant save everyone. I know as a normal person this hurts as you cant bear to see another in pain when you feel you could help but sometimes you have to save yourself first. You owe yourself that. x

        • I love how you wrote “the smile that didn’t reach the eyes” – I remember that. It was so disconcerting. Also, his look of utter giddiness after a fight, while I was so drained I could barely sit up straight.
          Right now I’m doing the same as you – it feels like a constant feed in my brain, reviewing everything he ever said and did, reframing it in the context of ‘everything was a lie, everything was calculated’. It’s a lot of work. Good luck to you. So glad that we are on the tail end of this, rather than still in it.
          Hope you had a good weekend. 🙂

  6. The weekend was great, as every weekend has been since he left! Dont get me wrong i sit and cry still but its loads better than when he was here and i cried everyday.
    Now ive got one more small side effect problem to sort out, i was signed off work for 2 weeks back in jan with stress (due to him) now my work is making things hard for me as this one small blip has labelled me as “unstable” in my managers eyes! Its a real blow as i love my job. Im going to fight this but to be honest im already looking to move on as i dont think this situation will improve much, shit happens eh!
    I wouldnt mind so much if i was actually failing at my job but its my relationship with a passive aggressive assistant thats causing the real problems. Im not perfect but im not as bad as shes making out and the real reason shes doing it is because shes not up to doing her job and feels threatened :/ oh well…. ill keep you posted!
    Hope your life keeps improving 🙂

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