Monthly Archives: April 2014

Happy 3 Month Anniversary to Me!

Three months ago today, my friend’s baby was born and on that same day I started a new life of my own – I broke up with my narcissist. I remember at the time thinking: ‘this is awful now, but you just have to make it through the first 3 months and then you know you’ll be ok.’ Well, here I am! I made it! It has been positively brutal at times and I still have lots of feelings left to work through, but I truly feel the very worst is behind me. I’m starting to feel stronger by the day and increasingly¬†hopeful that there is happiness in my future. How exciting!

In celebration of my 3 months, I’m posting a song that has been on steady play on my ipod for the last couple of weeks, and that powered me through a terrific 10K run this weekend.

The chorus:

I got infinite ammunition
Coming out the Yin Yang
I got limitless stealth positions
Extract the champion

ūüôā

He speaks…

I’ve been waffling about whether or not to post this, but finally decided I would because I always find it interesting to read what other narcissists sound like, so maybe it would be interesting to someone to read what mine sounds like in this latest email from him. This is narc being on good behaviour, since it has been 9 weeks of No Contact.

I wanted to write you this email to let you know what has happened. ¬†I know you said no contact and true to form I am not respecting that wish. ¬†I am sorry I just can’t not contact you no matter how hard I try. ¬†I accept all the labels you want to put on me because of it. ¬†I understand that you can’t respond to me because its bad for you. I hate it but I understand. ¬†I think I do.

Firstly my drinking: I went a month without so much as a drop but I suffered a set back recently on that front. ¬†I was in Vancouver for a week for a trade show and ended up having wine with dinner. ¬†and since then I have had a few drinks here and there. ¬†It’s just something I am always going to struggle with. I think I am up to the task though.

Anyway I wanted to let you know what is happening with [my son].

He broke up with his girlfriend and moved back home. there was a fight and he ended up getting charged with assault. to make matters worse his phone was off and he didn’t know the police were looking for him. ¬†He finally went to his moms and planned on staying there for a couple days but [his mom]’s boyfriend ended up freaking out and strangling [his mom]¬†and punching [my son]¬†in the face. (he was then arrested too) ¬†so [my son]¬†left there and came home

Then [my son] was just moping around the house for a couple weeks  I was getting frustrated with him.  He met some crazy girl on the internet and brought her to the house to have sex.  I told him not to do that anymore.  I was very upset.  Especially  cuz the girl looked very young and had some emotional problems of her own.

Then [my son]¬†was getting even more depressed. ¬†He took one of the cat insulin needles and injected himself with poison (some kind of rubbing alcohol) ¬†then he took a bunch of pills (I think they were my old antidepressants) ¬†then he fell asleep for a while ¬†when he woke up he was still super depressed. ¬†He went on the street near [my ex-girlfriend]’s bar and jumped in front of a bus. ¬†the bus windsheild was smashed and [my son]¬†flew across the road but was relativity uninjured except for some bruising and scratches

He was admitted to the Mental ward at the hospital. ¬†He was in there for a couple weeks. ¬†I was hoping they would keep him in until after my vancouver trip but they didn’t. ¬†They let him out right before I left. ¬†He seemed a bit better for a bit. ¬†but it was short lived. ¬†He was still doing the same thing as before. ¬†I guess it was naive of me to think any real progress could have been made in 2 weeks. ¬†the gave him a bunch of anti depressant pills.

We had a big fight before I left for BC. ¬†He was going to some girls place, showing no motivation to do anything, he racked up 300 bucks on his phone, etc.. ¬† He left before I went to BC and I didn’t know where he was

[My ex-girlfriend]¬†was taking care of the cats while I was gone and she said he had been home a couple times. so that made me feel a bit better. ¬† ¬†anyway when I finally came home last Monday [my son]¬†was no where to be found. ¬†I was thinking he was at his friends. ¬† I finally got a call¬†on Wednesday¬†from the hospital saying they were looking for me. ¬†Apparently [my son]¬†was in there since the previous¬†Friday. ¬†He had taken all the pills that they gave him and was currently in a coma. ¬†I went to the hospital and told me that his kidneys weren’t functioning and he was on dialysis His heart had suffered cardiac trauma and his lungs were full of fluid so he was on a ventilator.

I later found out that he was being kept in sedation to keep him calm during all this treatment. ¬†so it wasn’t like he had just fallen in to a coma. ¬† The doctor said that his kidneys should heal since he is so young but its not guaranteed ¬† Right now we just have to wait. ¬† So that’s how its been since last week.

Its been really difficult to try and stay positive here but I am doing it. ¬†the no drinking couldn’t have come at a better time because I don’t think I would have been equipped to deal with this if I was drinking in a big way. ¬†The running has helped too. ¬†(I did the around the bay again)

Anyway, I hope you are well. ¬†I have read a couple of your blog posts and you seem to be happy. ¬†I would love to hear from you but if it will be a set back for you or make you sad I guess you shouldn’t

wish you well though

My observations:

  1. Firstly the obvious: it’s all about him (of course)
  2. ” I am sorry I just can’t not contact you no matter how hard I try.” As usual, he’s¬†not trying, and he’s¬†not sorry.
  3. He’s lying about running Around the Bay. I checked the finisher results, he’s not listed. What a weird lie. I bet if I poked he’d say he bought/used someone else’s bib, but I doubt that would be true either.
  4. He just had to make sure to slip in references about his ex-girlfriend Рtrying hard to keep the triangulation alive.
  5. I bet he just loves having all this drama to talk about. ¬†It’s so typically narcy of him that it’s all so cold and factual considering the circumstances.¬†Wouldn’t a normal parent be saying how worried sick they are about their child?
  6. The reference to my blog is a stretch. He’s referring to my other blog¬†(he doesn’t know about this one). The last 2 posts were end of January (when we broke up) and early February (about my first weekend alone since the breakup), so he obviously didn’t pay close attention to what he was reading, but thanks for the tip that you’re ¬†checking on that blog. I’ll make sure to continue NOT posting in it!

It’s still a bit of an exercise to overcome the emotional surge when I see his name pop up in my inbox, and then to intellectually dissect the communication within the framework of narcissism, rather than falling into¬†the old pattern of caring about ‘that poor guy who’s struggling so hard to make it in this world’. That ‘poor guy’ doesn’t care about anyone but himself, and when I look at his email¬†objectively,¬†it’s actually not all that hard to see.

Do-Overs

Today is a beautiful warm day, like summer. I took out my bikini and with it came a waft of Costa Rica, left over from the trip I went on with narc in December. It has triggered so many flashbacks and I am struck with this almost desperate feeling that I wish I could go back and do things over. All of those times my gut was telling me to walk away, I wish I had. The times I wanted to scream at him to just f*** off, I wish I had.

Before we went to Costa Rica, I had lined up a few friends that would stay in contact over email. I called it my emotional safety plan. How sad that I knew I’d need one.

On our second night on the trip, he made me cry. I was amazed it had taken that long, that we’d made it through a day of no conflict. But on the second night, I sat in a restaurant while he berated me in a seemingly neverending stream of harsh words. I remember feeling so ashamed, knowing the couple at the table next to us was sitting there wondering why I was putting up with it, pitying the girl who was being abused. I wished they would say something, but I was also grateful that they didn’t. I asked him to stop, but he kept going until he finally said the thing that hit bulls eye and I ran to the bathroom sobbing, broken.

By the end of dinner we’d¬†finally made peace and went to sit on the beach under the moonlight. I don’t even remember what I did to make him mad then, but he stormed off leaving me alone in the night. I’m actually not even sure if it’s that I don’t remember what I did, or if it’s that¬†I never knew. He had such a way of getting angry at me so unexpectedly, I ultimately learned to just stay quiet and go with whatever he was doing, and certainly never asked questions. When you don’t know where the electric fence is, you’d rather just stay put where you are.

In the middle of the trip, I got sick¬†– fever, loss of appetite,¬†extremely weak. The first day he said it was just sunstroke. We were sitting in the lounge when it started to hit me. Since he was sitting there listening to his earbuds ignoring me anyway, I went back to the room to try to get some rest. He crashed in a few hours later, obviously a few drinks in, threw on the lights and started a dance party. He didn’t hide the fact that he was terrifically annoyed with me for not wanting to party with him, but eventually he offered to draw a bath for me to try to make me feel better. That is literally the only nice thing he did for me while I was sick, and boy did I hear about it over and over again. Yes, you filled a tub with water for me. You’re my hero.

What did I not hear about over and over again? When he condescendingly said to me: “You’re not really sick. You don’t even know what you’re feeling.” Huh?? Um, yes I do, I’m feeling really really sick.

I didn’t hear about how he yelled at me in the car because the GPS sent us on a treacherous drive, and how in the height of his anger he called me his ex-girlfriend’s name (because apparently I just made him so mad like she used to).

In the airport coming home we had a delay of several hours. We decided to go into town and walk around, get some dinner. I was still really sick but I knew I’d better not get in the way of his good time so instead I seized the opportunity to stop into a pharmacy to buy some medication and kleenex. When we finally made it back to the airport, I was so thankful to finally be able to lie down but he wasn’t done partying and pestered me to go to the bar with him. I looked at him with desperate eyes and said, “I’m really sick, I just really really need to lie down.” He left his things with me and off to the bar he went on his own.

As we were boarding the airplane later, he looked at me and asked, “Why do you hate me so much?” I don’t even remember what I said. I just remember my brain was screaming out at me to break up with him, but I kept thinking ‘don’t do it now, you still have the whole flight home, and your car is at his house. Wait til tomorrow.’ And then tomorrow became the next day, and the next day, for another month and a half.

It’s surreal to think back on all our shared moments. That was me? Why didn’t I speak up? Why did I let him get away with that? I know why, but I guess in the strength and safety that starts to come with¬†healing I just feel so angry that I let it come to that, that I let him push me around, that I didn’t scream back at him and tell him he was NOT good enough to be in my life. If you can’t be caring when I’m sick, get out. If you can’t be loving when I’m sad, get out. If you can’t speak with kindness,¬†GET THE F* OUT!!

I hope this experience with him has taught me to trust my gut. I hope it has taught me that my boundaries are valuable and essential and not to be compromised. I hope I do better next time.

Life and Death

For the last couple of months, I have been worried about narc’s teenage son who was constantly tweeting about his extensive drug use and suicidal thoughts. A couple of weeks ago, he tweeted about being taken to the hospital by police. Later, a picture of him in a neck brace appeared – the result of him having jumped in front of a bus. Then¬†he tweeted about taking a bath with a toaster – he survived but the toaster didn’t. On Friday, he tweeted wondering if it was rude to kill himself¬†at¬†a¬†friend’s house. And then he went silent.

Narc-son and I have never had a relationship. For the first three years I was advocating for him with his dad, having never met the kid but knowing he was in desperate need of love and support. Since last summer, we met three times in total and ended up following each other on Twitter. A couple of months later I broke up with his dad and started no contact. So, I have been watching from afar and worrying about him mostly because I know nobody else is. Maybe that sounds creepy, but it’s well-intentioned. I guess I just hoped I’d eventually get to see that he turned out ok after all.

Today I got a phone message from his dad (8 weeks no contact) telling me his son is on life support¬†– he took a bottle of pills¬†the hospital gave him after his last suicide attempt. Narc won’t even go see his son in the hospital because he doesn’t want to see him ‘like that’. He wishes he could talk to me.

I went into a tailspin.

I’ve been doing pretty well lately recovering from him¬†and every instinct is telling me I can NEVER make contact with him again, no matter what. But I HATE him for making me be this person who can’t provide support at a difficult time. HE MADE ME THIS WAY. I have no choice¬†– it’s my survival or his.

I want to be there for his son because every child deserves to be loved by someone, to be worried about and cared for, but that’s not my job and he would just think it’s weird if it was coming from me. I hope that somebody is stepping into that role for him, but I suspect not or he wouldn’t be onto his third? fourth? fifth? suicide attempt. My heart breaks for this child.

As for his dad, I went from feeling sad that I couldn’t support him to utter RAGE at the evil he brings into this world. He is a useless father, the most selfish person I have ever had the misfortune of knowing, and a toxic manipulator who cares about nobody – NOBODY – other than himself. I despise him with every core of my being for everything he has done to me, and everything he has done and continues to do to his son.

I talked to a counsellor friend minutes after hearing his message, and told her I was feeling sick… – she completed my sentence with: “…that he would use this to try to get to you?” I hadn’t even thought of that, but she’s right. Narcissistic sociopaths use everyone and everything around them to get their supply. He knows I am highly compassionate and have always worried about his son. Of course, this is right out of the narc playbook.

I would love to be there to support him and his son but I’ve learned that all I can do when it comes to narc is save myself. We are all responsible for ourselves and with narcissistic sociopaths there’s no messing around – it’s life or death, plain and simple. No contact, no matter what.

I will try to look at today’s phone call as a gift – at least now I¬†don’t have to google local obituaries looking for his son’s name, at least I know he’s still alive (for now). At least I can feel grateful for that little bit of peace of mind.

 

Five Enobling Awards

Thank you Persia Karema at You Don’t Have to Suffer in Silence¬†for¬†nominating me for¬†the Five Enobling Awards! I am truly humbled and grateful to be on this healing journey with such amazing people, and am¬†in awe of¬†Persia’s story¬†– she is a beautiful, strong survivor! If you haven’t checked out her blog yet, please do.

In keeping with ABC award rules, here is my Alphabet of Me:

  • Adventurous
  • Board game lover
  • Compassionate
  • Diligent
  • European (and Canadian) citizen
  • Feminist
  • Good friend
  • Hopeful
  • Introvert
  • Jill of all trades (master of none!)
  • Kind-hearted
  • Loving
  • Mom
  • Nerd
  • Optimistic
  • Pretty
  • Quirky
  • Runner
  • Smart
  • Thankful
  • Understanding
  • Valued
  • Wondering
  • Xmas baby
  • Young at heart
  • Zipliner

And now, I would like to nominate the following blogs:

1) Sociopath Life –¬†http://sociopathlife.com/ – for anyone who has been or is in a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath,¬†this blog is a terrific resource

2) After the Psychopath –¬†http://afterthepsychopath.wordpress.com/ – another fellow survivor of narcissistic abuse

3) Jim Caffrey Photo Images Blog –¬†http://jimages.wordpress.com/ – because sometimes you just need to look at something beautiful, or surprising, or just different

4) The Running Therapist Рhttp://therunningtherapist.wordpress.com/ Рwhether you like to run, or are just interested in reading some insights from a therapist, her posts are always a great read