Tired of being tired

I’m so tired of the dreams. Every night I dream about him. They’re never happy dreams, he always treats me badly as he would’ve in real life and I feel bad all over again, as I did in real life.

Last night, I dreamed that we were on a trip together in Europe. We were taking the bus to our next destination which he had arranged; I didn’t know which town we were heading to. I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up he was gone, and he had taken my bag with him. It had my passport, my money, my cell phone. I was completely stranded. All I had was a few bills of Canadian money and no idea where to go or what to do next. I just sat on the bus dumbfounded trying to figure out what to do next.

The dream continued in the disconnected way that dreams do and eventually we crossed paths again. He just shrugged off my anger and frustration about ditching me, and made some comment about how he did that because of something I had said or done that had offended him. I just stood there in disbelief at how mean and vengeful he could become over the smallest, unconscious transgression. I woke up feeling sad and exhausted.

Then I came to work to find an email from him – first one in at least 1.5 months. (No contact has been going pretty well – I have a reliable text blocker so have no idea what he’s been texting, and he’s only called and left a message once. It was just a matter of time I suppose before he’d try email.)

The subject of his email was: “Dream”.

I just have to tell you this dream because it was so vivid. I never usually remember dreams so that makes this doubly strange

so you and i were on my bed and we were cuddling and you had your head lying on my leg.  I looked down at you and you were smiling and I was smiling and I was telling you that things between us were just so perfect.  I looked at you and said something like “wow things are so great right now it doesn’t seem real”  and then you looked at me and your smile disappeared and you were just starting at me with a dead pan look.  And right then I knew.  Then I said “oh my god this isn’t real is it”    then you started to turn to dust right before my eyes and you disintegrated and blew away.  Then I thought Id woken up but I was still dreaming and I couldn’t figure out if you were even real. I was thinking that maybe you never existed at all.    Then I finally woke up for real.   It was so freaky.   and sad too.

I hope you haven’t blocked me or I guess I’ve typed this for nothing. 

Reading this made me so sad, remembering the cuddling, remembering his face when he was being kind.

And then I felt pleased that he has dreams about me too; that I’m not completely replaced by the new supply, whoever she may be.

And now I just feel drained. I wish he’d leave me alone. I’m exhausted and I want this whole thing to be over. He’s so not good enough, I just want him fully in my past as soon as possible. I’m so tired of being tired.

Addendum:
Interesting response from a friend who never trusted narc:
“i am very skeptical about this. it sounds made up. turning into dust and disintegrating? he’s lying to you.”

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6 responses to “Tired of being tired

  1. Tired of being tired…sums it up.

  2. omg~I almost felt as if I was reading one of my emails sent to me from my Ex….especially the part where he said ‘we were smiling at each other’ blah blah blah…why is it our mind tricks us when we think about the ‘good times’, the ‘happy moments’ etc. Why do we then miss the Ex douche-bag??? Great post, it mad me sad 😦

    • Sorry it made you sad. 😦 I’m so glad you posted this reply though, somehow it makes me feel not so ridiculous for being so sad after I read his message. I had to keep reminding myself all day that the cuddling was such a tiny percentage of the time we spent together, and the majority of the time I was extremely unhappy and lonely. They sure know how to hit the bulls-eye though, no wonder we kept getting sucked back in before. Good thing we’re smarter now…!

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  4. When I was able to sleep, I had nightmares about him every night, for the first month after leaving. I started taking vitamin D3 & B complex every day, not sure if that’s what did it but the insomnia is not often anymore and the nightmares are infrequent now.

    What I’m wondering is this: did you mention the dreams to anyone before receiving that email? My spidey sense is tingling, and that makes me think there’s a possible flying monkey. The ex narcopath is the king of “amazing coincidences”, none of which were amazing or a coincidence.

    • The sleep deprivation is so not helpful with recovery, hey? I’m so glad to be doing better on that front – glad to hear you’re sleeping better too.

      Funny you should say that about the coincidence. I didn’t mention the dreams to anyone, but he knew from our time together that I dream a lot, and that I believe dreams are a peek into the subconscious. I remember one weekend when I was distancing myself from him, he told me he’d had a dream where he was begging me not to leave, saying “I’m trying so hard to be nicer, I just need more time.” That was enough to get me to stay a bit longer. So I figure this was just another tactic he figured out he could use to manipulate me. You’re right – there are no amazing coincidences with narcopaths. With every breath they’re scheming.

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