Not long ago, I wrote about how I’m having trouble trusting people now. In particular, one of those people is someone I’d been friends with 15 years ago who reappeared in my life last summer when his marriage ended. Throughout the Fall, I’d started thinking he was this amazing guy I was probably meant to be with – so smart, funny, attentive, active, handy, successful. That’s why I couldn’t understand why, after my realization that my last ‘love’ was a narcissistic sociopath, talking to this guy was suddenly setting off huge alarm bells for me.
I saw him this weekend for the first time since October, and now I’m 100% sure he’s a narcissist. I’m actually so proud of myself for not ignoring my instincts, or making excuses for him! I sat, I watched, I saw:
- He thinks he’s smarter than everyone else.
- He lacks empathy.
- Conversation always goes back to him.
- He presents insults as though they’re jokes.
- He called his ex “crazy”.
- He has multiple girls in the works right now who “all want a long-term relationship” with him.
- He’s already begun telling me how to feel and how to act. (“Just be in the moment.” That’s familiar narcy advice…)
- When I pointed out a few weeks ago that he was the one who didn’t confirm the date, he joked about being “a scoundrel and a hack” but still didn’t confirm the date. Then a couple of weeks later he still hadn’t confirmed, and said ‘I am the worst at sending confirmations. Feel free to hold it against me’ even though I hadn’t made a single comment about it. (Interestingly enough, in the Fall he’d had no problem confirming a date…)
When I saw him this weekend, I mentioned that right now I don’t trust anybody. I thought I’d throw it out there to see how he’d respond to the vulnerability. Would he empathize? (Doubted it.) Would he try to learn more to study who to shape himself into? Would he note it as his opening and immediately increase contact again to start the lovebombing? (Which he had done last Fall.)
Well, I’ve mentioned my inability to trust to a few friends and he is literally the ONLY person who responded by becoming defensive. His immediate response was, “Now I’m afraid to speak, I don’t want to end up on the wrong side of that.” If he’s on the up and up, why would he think that he would end up on the wrong side of it? The next day he sent me a message, “You know I think you are amazing. And I know this is a difficult time. I am happy just being your friend. (as always) I just wanted to get this out because of the trust issue. I don’t want to be on the wrong side of that.” All I hear is ‘I’m just going to keep telling you that I am who you want me to be – just believe what I say and forget about your feelings. ‘
Same as what had happened with my narcissistic ex, this guy also has immediately increased contact, and every message is about him. Even when it’s about me (‘I wanted to send you this article, it made me think of you’), it’s still about him (‘I got it from a girl I’m dating, I don’t really know what’s going to happen with that relationship’ blah blah).
I’m over the moon happy that I can trust my instincts. I had a feeling about him over the last month and a half, and my gut was right. As I told my best friend yesterday, any guy that’s worth being in my life will not need me to make excuses for his behaviour, he’ll just behave decently and honestly. I’m done making excuses for people!
So guess what buddy. You walk like a narc, you talk like a narc, and you stink like a narc. You’d best be moving on. I know I am.