Survivors, your help is needed for a PhD study

Today I participated in an online study on survivors of abusive romantic relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. If you’re out of a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath, please consider participating to help this PhD candidate gather as much information as possible. It took me about an hour, but it was really interesting and the time flew by!

She does discourage people who are currently still in the abusive relationship from participating, and I can see why – the first section especially is quite triggering in that we are asked to describe some of the abusive behaviours we were subjected to. I’m over two years out from the relationship and had to stop a few times to catch my breath, but in the end it felt good to have done it. You can also complete the study over several visits if you’d prefer not to do it one sitting.

Check it out – a good overview and a link to the study can be found here:

http://psychopathsandlove.com/doctoral-research-study-victims-of-psychopaths/

When you feel like you can’t live without him…

Hey-remember-that-person-you-thought-you-couldn-t

When I Miss Him…

One year and 3 months into No Contact, there are still moments when I feel like I miss that jerk who doesn’t deserve for me to miss him for even a moment. So many triggers – Chandler on Friends makes a witty remark in exactly the same way narc used to, a dream brings his face back to my mind, a hike in a beautiful forest reminds me of a time we hiked (which he told me later had made his girlfriend at the time jealous… he sure did love that triangulation).

I’ve been working on the missing/not missing all day and figured I’m not the only one out here doing this, so I thought I’d take a moment to identify the tools in my ‘missing him toolbox’:

1) It wasn’t real. I remind myself that it wasn’t real. The things I miss are manufactured moments he intentionally created to hook me. They were cookie cutter moments he has surely used on many women before and after me.

2) The bad moments were real. The smirk every time he finally managed to break me down. the cheating, the coldness – those were real. I don’t miss that. Feeling small, unimportant, stupid, ashamed – I don’t miss that.

3) I hated the alcoholism. Going out for a nice hike on a sunny day? Let’s find a place to have a drink! Sunday morning at the cottage? Time to drink! Leaving for an all-inclusive vacation? Let’s hurry up and squeeze in a drink at 11am before leaving for the airport. God forbid we don’t drink at every single opportunity, we don’t want to be “buzz killington” (which I was, apparently).

4) Leaving him behind means there is hope for happiness and emotional healthiness. Missing him is part of the grieving and moving forward, but it does not mean I would want to be back in a relationship with him. I don’t miss the real him, and I don’t miss that relationship. Maybe I miss companionship, maybe I miss his sense of humour, maybe I miss cuddling, but none of that means I want him back in my life. No f’g way.

5) The day I broke up with him, before I had fully realized that he was a narcissist and I cut off contact once and for all, I wrote a reminder note in my cell phone titled “Not J” to remind myself of all the reasons I should never want to be with him. Here’s my list – I bet you can relate to a lot of it:

  • Double standards
  • Yelling
  • Alcohol
  • Controlled how we spend our time
  • Made up stories about me, won’t let me explain/correct them (e.g. saying I would rush to see Scott but not him)
  • Didn’t respond when I talked
  • Sang over me when I was talking
  • Wouldn’t have a conversation unless it’s a topic he decides is interesting to him
  • Lied
  • Changes the rules (eg agreed we wouldn’t exchange Christmas presents then in front of my whole family made a big deal that I didn’t get him a present)
  • Doesn’t care if he hurts me until he needs something from me
  • Takes everything so personally, I can’t bring up anything for discussion without him getting defensive
  • No normal friendships
  • Gross farts
  • House smells like cat litter and mold
  • Never said he liked what I cooked
  • Thought it was ridiculous to ask me how my day was
  • No “good night”, just disappeared from conversation
  • Would say rude or insulting things to me in public
  • Constantly contradicted himself – ‘I’m live in the moment guy’ vs ‘I hate that I can’t plan a trip with you’
  • Insensitive, talking about his other trips with exes during and after our trip, even when he knew it made me feel bad

Wow, with a list like that what’s not to miss, right? Line forms to the left, ladies! Oh look, I don’t miss him anymore. 😉

14 Common Problems INFJs Deal With In Their Dating Lives

Anyone else relate to this? I sure do…

Thought Catalog

 joestpierre
joestpierre

INFJ – Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Judging. Quiet, empathetic dreamers with huge hearts, INFJs are one of the rarest personality types, which naturally, makes them quite odd. It’s their strangeness that makes them come off as mysterious and intriguing to others but it’s often their strangeness that creates problems within their dating lives. Here are 14 common romantic problems INFJs deal with in their lives.

1. INFJs get frustrated when they make an attempt to connect with someone and the person fails to share their enthusiasm. INFJs can read people extremely well, so when they make an attempt to connect with someone on a deeper level or discuss something that means a lot to them, they can instantly tell when the other person isn’t on the same wavelength as them. This leads them to wonder why they even bothered at all and makes them more hesitant to reveal other…

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Ten Ways to Survive No Contact

Today is exactly one year since I cut off contact with Narc. Yahoo!

A year ago I couldn’t even imagine being at this point. I was drowning in darkness and pain and utter confusion, reviewing every moment of my 4.5 year relationship within the context of NPD.

Looking at it from this side now, I thought I’d take a moment to highlight the ten things that were most helpful for me in getting through the last year, in the hopes that they may help someone who is just starting out on their journey of recovery.

1) Online Support. People in real life generally don’t understand NPD, people online understand it all too well. Wherever you ‘live’ online, build your support group. Survivors are everywhere – twitter, facebook, here, everywhere. Don’t be shy to reach out and write about whatever you’re going through – there is always someone there to listen and offer support.

2) Education. I spent countless hours reading about NPD, sociopathy, psychopathy, watching videos about it, reading other people’s stories – matching up all the information to my own experiences, analyzing his hoovering tactics to spot all the techniques I was reading about. Like they say, knowledge is power, and practice makes perfect. If we learn it and practice spotting it, we’ll stand a much better chance of avoiding falling into it again.

3) No Dating. In those early days, we are so hurt and confused and we want someone to make the pain go away, but the only way to really heal ourselves is to work through the pain. We don’t know who or how to trust, we need to slowly make sense of our lives, of our selves, and that will not happen with the distraction and added confusion of adding new people into the mix. Plus, narcs can sniff out vulnerability a mile away so dating before we’re ready just makes us easy targets for them (I believe). Take a break from dating for a while and focus on yourself.

4) Feel Your Feelings. So what to do with yourself when you’re sitting at home, not dating? Ride the waves of feelings – cry when you need to, for as long as you need to. There will be little rhyme or reason for when or why you cry, but you need to get all that accumulated pain out of your body. Grieve the lies, the loss of the relationship, the loss of your belief that the world is a good and safe place. Feel the anger, feel the hate, every feeling is OK. You have spent too long suppressing your feelings to try to keep the peace in your relationship, it’s time now for all those feelings to come out. It probably feels like they will never end, but they will.

5) Take Your Time. There is no formula for this, no timetable for recovery. Don’t let other people pressure you or guilt you into doing anything you don’t feel ready for – dating, hanging out with friends, acting like you’re ok. This is your life, not theirs, and you need to live it your way. Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to get through each day. I ignored some friends, I cut off others. The ones that really matter understood that I needed to go through this in my own way and they are here on the other side, telling me how proud they are of me. They’re not mad that I was a hermit for months. So take your time and do things your way for as long as you need to.

6) Exercise. Yes I know sometimes all you want to do is lie in bed and either starve yourself or eat crap and drink wine, but make sure that once in a while you force yourself to exercise. Endorphins are hugely helpful for your mood, and exercise is great for self-esteem. Even if all you can do is go for a walk, it will make a difference. I always say to myself, ‘something is better than nothing’ and it’s true. Every little thing you do to take good care of yourself makes a difference.

7) Journal (or blog). When a memory hits you hard, when a tidal wave of feelings starts to drown you, when you feel tempted to break No Contact – write about it. Sometimes you have a lot more to say than you feel you want to say in a facebook group or you can fit into a tweet. Get all those thoughts and feelings out of your head and heart by writing about them. The more you can get out from inside of you, the less you will carry forward, and that’s a good thing.

8) Investigate Your Past. This is going to get messy, you may want a therapist/counsellor for this. We need to understand why we accepted being in a relationship with an NPD for any amount of time. Why we chose to set our needs and feelings aside to keep the peace with him (or her), and loved and supported him (or her) at our own expense. We need to look at family of origin, at past relationships, and work through unresolved pain. They say if we don’t do that, we’ll keep repeating patterns, and given my history I’m inclined to believe them. Two books that I found helpful: Dr. Phil’s Self Matters and Dr. Karyl McBride’s Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

9) Trust Your Gut. As you analyze your whole relationship, you’ll start to realize you had lots of red flags early on and throughout the relationship. There were lots of times your gut was telling you something was not ok, and you set it aside to try to make things better with narc. The good news is, your gut is in perfect working order! Now you just need to start trusting it. Stop talking yourself out of it and making excuses for other people. If you trust your gut, you will naturally have better and stronger boundaries and reject unhealthy people even if you can’t put your finger on why you need to reject them. Your gut doesn’t need labels for things, it just knows “safe” or “unsafe” and ultimately that’s what really matters.

10) Tell Yourself “I Love You” – A Lot. We’re pretty good at being hard on ourselves, and we’ve heard a lot of not nice things said to us throughout the relationship (and probably throughout our lives). Let’s start changing the soundtrack. When you wake up, tell yourself “good morning, I love you”. When you do something well, or make a healthy choice for yourself, tell yourself “good job, I love you.” When you’re going to bed, whisper “sweet dreams, I love you.” Even if you don’t really feel it right now, the more you say it to yourself, the more you will start to really feel it on the inside. And besides, isn’t it way nicer to hear that than all the other self-critical stuff you say to yourself? You’re an awesome person and super lovable, so you may as well tell yourself so!

I hope this has been at least a little bit helpful. Somehow, day by day, things do get better and eventually you find yourself celebrating an anniversary you never thought would come.

I wish you all love and strength in your journeys.  xo

Perplexed

My narc-spotting glasses are obviously dirty, I can’t figure out the deal with this guy and that worries me! Am I losing my touch? Help me out.

His self description isn’t too bad: “Tell you about me …hmmmm This part of the site sucks but here is something small to start you off lol. I work in the music industry and i love my job. Music is the biggest part of my life with my career and my personal life. I like to learning new things about people. I have a very open mind with many things in life and i try to never stress over the little things. I own my own house and very ambitious and looking for my partner to have goals and not afraid to take chances to achieve them :)”

Aside from the fact that he’s in the music industry which has a terrible reputation for infidelity, I don’t get any big red flags there. But then he sends two messages and signs with a different name each time:

sidevans

What’s that all about?? That just seems careless and stupid to me. I guess maybe Sid is his profile name and Gregg is his real name..? Any thoughts out there, my experienced friends? I haven’t seen this tactic before.

Narc Spotting: Got One!

I know this isn’t healthy, but I decided to create a couple of fake accounts, poke around and see what narc is up to online these days. Strangely, I can’t find him anywhere in OK Cupid or POF. (I haven’t looked in years, I had just assumed he’d still be there.) It makes me wonder if he’s burned too many people in those sites and moved elsewhere, or if he’s hidden his profile.

Nevertheless, I came across this gem in the process. One man, two profiles:

narc

Shall we take a peek at what he has to offer?

Itsfuntobealive Smoothfriction
Self-summary: Easy going tall dark hair blue eyes. I Balance intellectual pursuits with humor and silly fun.take things seriously when I have to with 100% focus but when it is play time I also excel. I like to be the joker life of the party. Looking for a long term committed relationship but til I find the one I can enjoy some no strings playful fun. I’m tall, blue eyes, dark hair, easy going but no Pushover. Multi talented, Learner, collage student, electrical apprentice former electronic technician. Too much to write..LOL ask and you will receive. 🙂
I’m really good at: Fixing things (almost anything) , humour , finding deals and interesting things, last but not least listening to a woman’s needs and making her feel fully woman. If Ynwim. 😉 Lots of things
The first things people usually notice about me: Piercing marble blue eyes, smile with a serious probing gaze to figure out exactly who you are friend or foe? Unanswered
 Unanswered Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food – Books: 1984 , corporate fascism, confessions of an economic hit man, American Conspiracies by Jesse Ventura ( navy seal, governor), the creature from Jekyll island (creation of the federal reserve). Movies: I robot, terminator, Enron, much more
I spend a lot of time thinking about: A.d.i.d.a.s. lol. Really World politics, the environment, corporate and government corruption, information in general cause knowledge is power. Cliche but true. Unanswered
The six things I could never do without: Woman, electricity, water, food, cellphone, toiletpaper Oxygen, Food, Water, Comfort, Sex, Friends
You should message me if: Your real Like what you see. Your an honest fun person
I’m looking for:For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
Education: University Not selected (though note he does say above that he’s a “collage” student)
Last online: February 1 Today – 2:10am

But wait, that’s not all! I’d never been on OK Cupid before. I noticed this handy “Personality” tab was filled out for his Itsfuntobealive profile. Check this out:

narc1

OK friends, it’s time for some target practice. Who wants to call out all the narcy (and quite possibly sociopathy or psychopathy) things about this creep? Aaaaaaand… go!